


A troublemaker

by TheSarcasticNazgul



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Mild Smut, Multi, Slow Burn, and then meet a certain cassian, basically jyn joined the rebellion when she was left behind by Saw, fluff (im sure there is some in there)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-09-12 15:32:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 43,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9078808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSarcasticNazgul/pseuds/TheSarcasticNazgul
Summary: “You knocked me out.” The accusation held more than the words she spoke. Cassian sat down opposite her and began to go thru his bag.“Technically Kaytu did that." He didn’t need to look up to know that she was rolling her eyes.“Yeah real charming that thing. How did the alliance end up with an imperial droid?” Cassian lifted his eyes and watched her.“He’s as much charming as it’s your business.” Jyn huffed and looked to the window. “Of course his friend is the real jackass here.” (or my take on how it would go down if Jyn joined the rebellion when she was left behind by Saw)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing and all mistakes are my own.
> 
> also this is a massive piece that currently is one big mess, lets see how far i can take it.

The walls around her where cold and spoke of nothing but grief. Somewhere inside of her she knew that Saw wasn’t coming back to her, but she couldn’t really bring herself to leave. The what if outweighed the he’s not coming back. She leaned back against the stone and closed her eyes, there was nothing she could do right now anyway. Troopers were outside and she had no other way out. The blaster she got laid beside her and the knife was in a tight grip in her right hand. Thinking back at the years since she last where here she found that little had changed. She was still on the run, abandoned and sorry that she did not fight harder. Rumours about her father had been circulating she knew that but she really hadn’t thought that saw would leave her. Jyn wasn’t a fool, she was one of his best assets, and it would cost him to not have her around. So whatever reason he had it must be related to the man that she once held so very dear. She heard crafts fly over the cave and thought to herself that she was safe for the moment and let herself slip into sleep.

 

With a jolt Jyn sat up, she heard footsteps above ground, and this time the kept going to the shaft. She stood up and reached for her blaster and aimed it at the opening that flew open. Before she could pull the trigger she saw that it was an imperial droid. The blaster hit it in the shoulder and she heard someone above call out. As fast as she could she began to climb the ladder, hoping that whoever was up there would focus on the droid, no such luck. As she began to heave herself out of the shaft barrels pressed to her head and she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

“Who are you?” The question came from the man behind her. She made an attempt to climb up further but was pressed down but the blaster.

“Stay there and answer my question.” The man walked around so that he faced her. Jyn was surprised when she saw that he wasn’t a trooper, this man was a part of the alliance. She narrowed her eyes; the alliance had caused her and Guerra some troubles the last couple off months.

“So that you can shoot me if you don’t like my answer?” She replied with a dry voice. The man’s mouth almost pulled up into a smile as he pressed the barrel harder against her head. “Something like that yes, now answer.” His accent was thick, unlike any she had heard and found that it was rather calming, perhaps not the best attribution it could have right now.

“I’m no one.” The man gave a short laugh, clearly he found it amusing. “Well then no one, tell me your real name and I might consider not to shoot you.” Jyn rolled her eyes and then meets his.

“Real gentleman you are.” The man just stared at her, waiting. Jyn thought for a second to use an alias but knew that no matter what the truth would come out.

“Jyn Erso.” The man did not lower his blaster but neither did he react to her last name, perhaps he doesn’t know who my father is she thought. It was as if the cave had frozen, neither moved, everything stood still until the droid broke the silence.

“Sergeant, strategically it would benefit to bring her with us.” His eyes narrowed at the droid’s words but he did lower the weapon and reached out his hand, which in turn Jyn ignored.

“Very well then, Jyn Erso, you are coming with us.” She shook her head as her feet touched the ground, preparing to fight but as a sharp pain spread through her back everything became black and the last thing she heard was the man muttering; “Kay, that really wasn’t necessary.”

“The probability of her trying to escape was high, very hi…”


	2. Chapter 2

Cassian did not like this mission; everything had gone wrong from beginning to end. First the source had turned out to be a bust and they had lost three men to pay the price. Then of course Guerra had fled the planet and only a feisty teenager was left behind who had managed to mess with Kay’s programing due to the blaster. _Wonderful_. Cassian knew that he just because the captain thought it to be a good idea to bring the girl, the rest of the alliance would not necessarily agree, but who knows, perhaps today would be a first.

“We land in five, Cassian.” He nodded and walked down to where they had put her.  She was awake and furious if he would go by the look on her face.

“You knocked me out.” The accusation held more than the words she spoke. Cassian sat down opposite her and began to go thru his bag.

“Technically Kaytu did that. He didn’t need to look up to know that she was rolling her eyes.

“Yeah real charming that thing. How did the alliance end up with an imperial droid?” Cassian lifted his eyes and watched her.

“He’s as much charming as it’s your business.” Jyn huffed and looked to the window. “Of course his friend is the real jackass here.” Her voice was low but not low enough to be meant for no one to hear.  Cassian grabbed his blaster, with no intention of pulling the trigger he aimed it towards her. She arched her eyebrow as if to say _really?_ The ship began to land before either one of them could say anything. Cassian stood up and grabbed hold of the support handles in the roof.

“You better watch your tone Erso, that jackass is probably the only person on this base that will argue why we should keep you here.”  She smirked and Cassian knew from that moment on that she would cause nothing but trouble.

 

* * *

 

After being taken to different rooms and hearing, being questioned about Saw Gerrera about ten thousands time Jyn was a bit tired of the alliance and all that came with it; she almost missed that jackass and his droid. They at least had look at her like she was a human, the rest of them just look at her in despise. She was escorted by two men and this time they had put on shackles. _In other words they are bringing me to an important person they do not want to be hurt._ She was placed in a chair and left her. She saw the man from the cave leaning against a screen of some sort, lurking in the dark. A man with hair that was beginning to grey approached her.

“State your name for the records.” Jyn sighed, _really? Another questioning?_

“Jyn Erso.” She saw in her peripheral view that a woman came closer, as well as the man  with the droid.

“And are you _Jyn Erso_ still in contact with you farther?” The question surprised her, everything else up until this point had been about Saw Gerrera and his actions. She looked to the other man, searching for some kind of answer.

“What is this?” He came closer.

“Answer the question Jyn.” She shook her head, her eyes still locked with his.

“Not until you tell me what’s going on.”

“We thin…” He was cut off by the woman that now stood beside him.

“Sergeant Andor, please leave us.” The man, S _ergeant Andor_ nodded and left the room. Jyn turned her gaze to the woman.

“Hello Jyn, my name is Mon Mothma. I am not the one in charge but I do have a say in who stays here and who does not. Right now we only need you to answer our questions truthfully.” Jyn looked around; everyone else seemed to be occupied with something else.

“Please Miss Erso.”

“I have not seen him in nine years.” Mon mothma nodded.

“And when were you last in contact with him? Have he reached out to you in any way during the years?” The man asked, his voice was nowhere near as friendly as Mon Mothmas.

“No, he has not tried to contact me, not at I know of.” Jyn might not have the age to prove it, but she was experienced with situations like this. She also knew when she would lie and when to not and right now did not look like that god of opportunity.

“Do you know where he is, what he do?” Of course she knew, it wasn’t exactly hard to find the imperial scientist Galen Erso. His name was one that came up in the news a lot.

“I’d like to think he’s dead.” She said without any kind of sympathy. “It makes things easier.”

“Like fighting for Saw Guerra.” The man responded. Jyn narrowed her eyes.

“At least he cared about me enough to give me a home.”

“A home you’re now kicked out of?”

“Who says I was kicked out?” The statement slipped through her lips before she could stop them. Ah well, they already think bad trouble, a little more can’t hurt.

“Because the cave Cassian found you in is so much better than the title as Saw Guerra’s best fighter?”  Jyn did her best to not hiss at the man, she did not like him.

“Perhaps.” Mon Mothma gave a short laughter and turned to the man, lowering her voice but Jyn could still hear them.

“Draven, I think we should keep her here, she could prove valuable.” The man, _Draven_ , nodded although his face suggested that he thought it wasn’t a good idea.

“Cassian can take her; he needs to be reminded of how our ways work and teaching them to another will work just fine.” Mothma arched her eyebrow at this.

“You want _Cassian_ to take care of her? The same man that brought home an imperial droid at the cost of five men?” Draven smiled.

“I would not consider it the worst of luck if something where to happen to her when they’re out and Andor is having a hard time finding a crew.” Mon Motham turned back to Jyn and gestured with her hand to have her shackles removed. Jyn stood up and rubbed her wrists, the shackles where far from the most uncomfortable she’d been in but it hadn’t been pleasant.

“Jyn Erso, we will let you stay here, train with us and join our rebellion.” Jyn huffed.

“And if I do not want to?” The answer came quickly from Draven; “Then we will turn you in to the empire and that applies if you do something we do not approve of as well.” Jyn nodded in agreement.”

“Fine, what do you want me to do?” Mon Mothma smiled at this and gestured Jyn to follow her.

“If you come this way I’ll lead the way to your handler.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Cassian had just put his stuff on his bed as he got a notification from General Draven; it was a hologram. He put it on and began to unload all the stuff he had had with him when he was out.

_“Sergeant Andor, Mon Mothma and I have come to the conclusion that the person identified as Jyn Erso shall stay here with us at Yavin and begin to be prepped for mission.”_ Well how about that, for once the council have made a decision that probably will benefit them. Although Cassian felt sorry for the person that they would appoint as her handler, they would likely not see space for next couple of months.

_“We have agreed on that you would be the best fit as her mentor. Your missions the next months are all reassigned and you should be ready to instruct your new novice. We do expect a report on her improvements and failures when those occurs. Good luck Sergeant.”_ Cassian hadn’t moved since Draven had said he would be Jyn’s handler. His eyes were closed and he drew a deep breath. _Of fucking course._ Cassian knew that he could not argue with the order he had been given, but his entire body told him to. This was their way of getting him back for Kay, well Kay and all the other missions he had done reckless things that had caused the rebellion men. Before he could do anything else there was a knock on the door and Cassian knew who it was. _His novice._ He opened the door to find Mon Mothma and Jyn.

“Cassian, I trust that you got general Draven’s message?” He nodded and looked at Jyn, who look as pleased with this situation as he did.

“Good, then I expect you to take over from here.” Cassian frowned as Motham turned and began to walk away. 

“Mon Mothma, wait!” He called out after her. She turned and had a smile on her face, of course she did. “Yes Cassian?”

“What should I do now?” Her smile grew wider. “Now you begin to train her.” With that the stoic woman turned once more and left the two of them alone.  Cassian turned to Jyn, whom he realised now was quite short. He gave a deep sigh and gestured to the opened door.

“Well then, mi casa es tu casa.” Jyn brushed past him and his thought from the shuttle remained; _Jyn Erso will bring nothing but trouble.”_


	3. Chapter 3

Jyn tried not to think it to be weird to share a bunk this small with the man that had captured her and as she was now realising was rather handsome. Of course they she would remain professional but something about him interested her. She wondered how it would feel to kiss him, how he would react, what his lips would feel like. She shook the thoughts of as he came into the room. He gave a short nod to the bunk on the right.

“You can have that one.” She nodded and sat down on it. As Cassian disappeared, probably for a shower judging by the sound of it, Jyn began to unpack. She didn’t have much. Even in the cave Saw had left her in, she hadn’t had much. Since most of that was left there she had practically nothing. The blaster that Cassian or more likely Kaytu had taken from the start, a jacket, binoculars, a lighter and a knife. The very same knife she planned to put in Saw Gerras body for leaving her behind. It hadn’t all come to her, the pain and betrayal. He had been the closest to family she had left and still she had been as disposal as a plastic bag to him. Tears threatened as she put everything in the bag again, dumping it on the floor. She crept up to the wall of the bed and pulled her knees to her, trying to regain some feeling of safety. She closed her eyes and shut out the world that had only brought her pain and suffering. In the sleep she so effortlessly slipped into she dreamed of a farming house where a child lived blissfully happy and had a family that loved her.

 

* * *

 

When Cassian came back to the now joined bunk he found his novice sound asleep, a look that fitted her.  In her sleep she did not look as old, the harsh and angered lines were smooth, bearing the touch of innocence. He went to a drawer and pulled out a blanket and wrapped it around her, she did not wake, only did she snuggled deeper into the bed. Cassian smiled and walked over to the desk where he had his monitoring pad. He sat down and entered the name _Galen Erso_. He wanted to know who this girl was and why she was left all alone, much like he had been.

 

He found that the girl sleeping not but a few feet away might very well be the alliance solution to the empire. He also found that he wanted to keep that information to himself, just a little longer.

 

* * *

 

 

“You don’t speak much do you?” Jyn said as for the third day in a row Cassian remained silent if not to give her some critic about something she was clearly doing wrong. For three days she had done nothing but to put together and pull apart blasters, cleaning them and repeating the process.

“I speak when needed to.” She huffed, that was probably the understatement of the year

“So that’s about never then?”  At this Cassian looked up and meet Jyns eyes that had been on him the entire time. It seemed as if he _almost_ where to smile but fought it and looked down on the weapon her was working with.

“Not much of a smiler either I gather.”  Jyn knew she was only causing problems but to be fair, she had played nice for three days. He drew a deep breath and closed his eyes, gathering his thoughts.

“What is it you want Jyn?” He said as if her impatience was written on her forehead, well it probably was. She stood up and walked over to him and looked him in the eyes.

“I want to do something, shoot something, anything! Just not serve as the cleaner of the rebellion.” He arched an eyebrow.

“Because that’s what we’re doing isn’t?” Cassian looked down again, finished the gun and put it aside and then rubbed the back of his head.

“No one explicitly told me what to do, so I started with cleaning the armoury yes.” He leaned back and all of the sudden Jyn began to feel uncomfortable. His eyes saw straight thru her, something not even Saw had been able to do.

“So all of this,” she gestured to the pile of blasters beside them, “wasn’t necessary?” He tilted his head and frowned.

“I wouldn’t say that. It might not have been an order but it was needed to be done and since I have no clue how to train you I figured it was worth a shot.” She just stared at him. _Unbelievable_. “I might even get to know just what kind of person you are.” Silence filled the room once again as she thought about what he had said.

“So you have never done anything like this before?” Cassian laughed. Jyn narrowed her eyes at him until he stopped.

“That Ms. Erso was my way of saying no.” He gave her a wide smile and stood up, packing down his blasters in a bag and remained standing. She looked at him with suspicion and doubt.

“What are you doing?” She asked as he nodded towards the exit.

“You wanted to get started with the rebellion? Let’s go then.” Cassian began to slowly walk to the door as Jyn stood up. She grabbed her things and followed her handler that for every minute she spent with him became an even greater mystery.

 

***

 

Cassian groaned once again as she Jyn continued to do the same mistake _again_. He stood up and began to walk over to her with instructions on his lips as she turned to him, clearly just as annoyed as he was. He arched his eyebrow in a question.

“For the tenth time Cassian, _I know how to shoot a blaster.”_ Cassian gave a short laughter and shook his head.

_“_ No, you know how to hit the target, two different things.” Now it was Jyn’s time to question him with arching her eyebrow.

“Really?” He stepped next to her and took the blaster she in her own words _held perfectly correct_ but in reality made him groan on the inside. He replaced her hand and squeezed hard enough for her face to show small signs of pain to emphasize on _that’s the way._ Her eyes were fixated with his and he could feel his heart speed up. If every training session was going to play out like this, he would surely have grey in his hair before they were done.

“Why are you prolonging this? Aren’t’ you the one that wants to get away, to have this over and done with?” Cassian took a deep breath and shook his head, a motion he had done way too often since Jyn had entered his life.

“Yes, but for that to be possible I have to get you ready to follow your command and judging so far, you’re not doing to great on that subject.” She narrowed her eyes and turned to the practise board and fired five times, all hitting the centre mark. With a smile she turned back to him, holding up the blaster to show how she held it. Needless to say, it was not the way he had sown her. She walked up close to him, so closer he only needed to lean down their lips would meet.

“Why should I follow commands when my way is much _much_ more effective?” Her voice was low and on the brink of seductive. She handed him the blaster and walked off, waving a sarcastic salute.

“See you at home Andor.”  Cassian closed his eyes and drew a breath thru gritted teeth. She might be pretty and she might know how to handle herself but that girl was anything but the innocent creature he sees when she’s asleep. Awake she could take on the entire empire on her own and Cassian feared he would not be able to keep his emotions in check for long if she would insist to continue like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i've noticed that my version of Jyn talks more, in general and back to people. I guess one could just blame it on her being a teenager here and not yet experienced some of the world's cruelty and that she take every opportunity to fight it, idk. Let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

“Rise and shine Jynnie!”  Cassian cooed as he pulled of her blankets, knowing full well what the effect would be. An angered teenager glared up at him with murder in her eyes.

“Do you have a death wish Andor?” She muttered as she got out of bed and searched for her blaster. He laughed and held up the item she searched for.

“No I have a brain I use to avoid complications.” Jyn stopped her search and narrowed her eyes. “ _Really_?” Her voice was dangerously low. Cassian knew she would tackled him to get the gun so he was prepared for that, he was however not prepared for her to throw her bag filled with gods know what at him. As he blocked it she made her move, a swift kick to his ribs made him double over in pain and _then_ she tackled him to the ground, pinning him down with her own body. She held his hands above his head with one of her own, and grabbed the blaster with the other. The motion lowered her body against him and Cassian suddenly became very aware of the she was wearing nothing but a t-shirt and panties. She smirked as he tried to free his hands, failing miserably at it.

“Try all you want sergeant, it won’t work.” He gave her a sarcastic smile back, eyes narrowing. In a try to throw her of her balance he jerked his hips up, trying to flip them but Jyn’s grip around him with her thighs only tightened, leaving them in the same not so appropriate position. _Don’t be silly Cassian, you’re training her in hand to hand combat intimacy is bound to happen._ Although he wondered if they really needed to be _this_ close.

“Do you give up?” Her voice was dripping of victory. Cassian lifted his head closer to hers, hissing; “Never.” This time he managed to break his hand free which gave him the leverage he needed. In one swift motion he flipped them over, making sure Jyn’s hands were behind her back, something that made sure that with the smallest pressure pain would erupt across her body. He gave her a smirk not unlike the one she had given him.

“Do you give up?” He saw in her eyes that she would never give up, her nostrils flared in anger.

“To give you the satisfaction? _Never._ ” He smiled and pressed her arm, forcing a small scream out of her.

“What about now?” If she had looked ready to kill before, it was nothing compare to what she looked now. With a snap of her hips she did what he had failed to, throw of the balance and push him over her. Before he knew it Cassian was once again on his back, only this time Jyn was not only seated over him with a grip around him tighter than ever, but she had her knife pressed to his neck. His eyes found hers and neither moved, their ragged breath filling the silent air. Jyn moved in closer, her lips almost touching his and her eyes locked with his.

“Wake me like that again Andor and next time you will find out just how much pain this knife can cause.” As Cassian didn’t say anything Jyn stood up and left him lying there alone. He sat up and watched her go into the bathroom.

“Hey Erso!” He called out before she closed the door. She put out her head and glared at him. _“What?”_ She hissed. Cassian smirked.

“Nice panties.” He ducked just in time to avoid the knife she had thrown at him, laughter filling his lungs. Jyn narrowed her eyes, pulled out her tongue at him and slammed the door shut, leaving Cassian alone on the floor laughing quite hysterical.

 

* * *

 

They continued to practise hand to hand combat that day, and it stood clear to Cassian that this was something Jyn had been trained well in. After she had beat him at least five times, the last one _was_ a tie even if she stated otherwise, punched him in the stomach numerous times, hit his nose and given him a black eye Cassian decided to call the quits.

 “What, the old man can't keep up?” She mocked him as he sat down on the bench  along the wall. He just gave her a glare and her smile lefter her lips. For a second she was quiet, then she began to chuckle.

“I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself Sergeant. Saw said I was his best hand to hand solider. With that in mind you did hold your ground very well.” Cassian didn’t know why he was surprised, of course she was one of Saw Gerras prised soldiers, of course she was.

“Considering that, I did get in _a lot_  of good punches.” He said, smiling as he grabbed the water bottle from his bag.  Jyn huffed and pushed him to the side with her shoulder.

“Watch it old man, I can’t still kick your sweet ass back to Wobani.”  Cassian turned his head and watched her in awe; he knew he was falling for her damn it.

“Never said you couldn’t”.

 

* * *

 

Jyn almost felt sorry for Cassian. She hadn’t lied when she told him he had held his ground well, she knew she was a good fighter, goo might not even cover it. When he walked ahead of her to lunch, she saw that he limped a bit. _He had it coming_  she thought as the entered the main dining area. Even Though she hadn’t been there long, she had learned that this place was the place she hated the most. Here everyone was judging, thinking that they all were so much better than her, like they never done anything questionable or even remotely wrong. She followed Cassian and they sat down in the least filled part of the room. They ate in silence. After a while she had the feeling that he was watching her, she looked up and found that she was right.

“What?” She asked when he hadn’t said anything. He woke from whatever daydream he had been caught in.

“How do you feel about batons?” He asked her and Jyn tilted her head on question.

“As in _sticks_?” Cassian shrugged. _Close enough_.

“You want to train me to use _sticks_?” She asked as he put the last piece of unflattering food in his mouth.

“Sticks does patronise them a lot. _Batons_ do sound better, don’t you think?” He said and Jyn felt his eyes see straight thru her.

“I’m sorry, is that a yes?” Cassian's eyes flickered to something behind her and then back to her. He nodded and stood up.

“Go back to the training room; I’ll meet you there, _with sticks._ ” Jyn rolled her eyes and stood up as well. She knew Cassian would meet with Mon Mothma, she was probably what he had seen behind her, to report back how she had been doing. And from what Jyn could tell and the black eye that began to pick up some real colour on Cassian's face, Jyn suspected not that great.

 

***

Cassian moved thru the crowd of rebels with ease. Once he caught up with Mothma she had already spotted him.

“Ah, Sergeant Andor, how is it going with our ms. Erso?” The calming vice of the redheaded woman always had such a soothing effect Cassian almost always forgot what to say.

 “Good, good. I think we have some real progress.” Cassian knew better than to lie to Mothma, but half-truths were far from lies.

 “And that black eye was just an early birthday present?” She replied as they continued down the hall. Cassian gave a short embarrassed laugh.

 “She isn’t exactly pulling her punches, but I fail how that is not a progress. I think that within a few wee…”

“Oh Cassian, I never said anything about failure. I find it rather successful that she has proven to such a fighter, although I do worry it’s too much for you. If you wish I could transfer her to another handler.” Mothma's words rang in his head. _Transfer?_ _Yeah, and have another poor being to have this hell beast to meddle with. I don’t think so._

 “With all due respect, I rather not transfer her. I think we have come to somewhat of an understanding and it would feel pointless to give up now.” She stopped and looked at his black eye and arched her eyebrow.

 “If you say so sergeant Andor.” Cassian almost smiled, almost.

 “And if I may say so, I do think that within a few weeks should be ready to go out on minor missions, of course under supervision but…”

 “I trust your judgment Cassian, I do, but I do not want to risk this rebellion on a teenage girl that thinks that the world is meant to be fought. If she is causing this much of trouble to her mentor without even attempting to follow the orders given I can’t risk it. She’ll get out in the field when _I_ say so. Understood?” Cassian nodded; of course it wouldn’t be as easy as that. Most trainees stayed on the base for years before they were allowed into the field.

 “Good, then I have to say until next time sergeant.” Mon Mothma gave him a short nod and disappeared along the hallway, leaving Cassian with his thoughts.

 

* * *

 

When Cassian entered the training facility Jyn knew something was up. He might be good at hiding things, but Jyn was better at spotting lies than anyone else. She stood up and jogged to him.

 “What’s wrong?” When he kept on walking without answering her she held out her arm to stop him.

“Hey, answer me Cassi…” Before she could finish the sentence he grabbed hold of her ram and flipped her over, down into the ground. She gasped for the air that had escaped her lungs and tried to stand up but Cassian pressed her down with a baton he placed over her collarbone.

“You’re not good enough.” He hissed at her as she tried to push him away, she couldn’t.

 “Wha…” She was cut off again but him pressing down harder, she gasped for air. Jyn saw the anger in Cassian's eyes and knew somehow it was not directed at her.

“You need to follow my commands if we are to pull this off, do you understand?” She nodded and clawed at his hands, begging him to loosen the grip and allowing her to breathe.

 “DO YOU UNDERSTAND?” He yelled at her as she saw tears forming in his eyes. 

“Yes!” She managed to rasp out. The instance he pulled away the baton she took a deep breath and coughed. He climbed of her and she crawled to her side, letting air fill her lungs again. When she was breathing normally again she looked to Cassian with murder in her eyes, but when she saw him sitting there, seemingly crushed, it all disappeared. She moved beside him and took his hand. He jerked back and whipped away his tears.

 “Cassian what’s wrong?” She asked as he let out a shaky breath. He sniffled and looked at her.

“What if I can’t do it?” Jyn frowned, _do what?_

“What if I can’t even train one of Saw Gerra’s prestige soldiers to be one of us? Then what kind of rebel am i? What can I possible do for the rebellion if I can’t even do that?”  Jyn laughed, she couldn’t help it. The thought was so absurd. She out of all people had gotten Cassian Andor to cry. All the years she had spent with Gerra she had been the obedient soldier and now she was the misfit rebel. When she realised Cassian did not find it even remotely funny she stopped.

“Oh Cassian, you really shouldn’t be that hard on yourself.” Jyn said as she stood up and gave him a hand up.

“Really?” He said as he stood up. She flashed her teeths in a smile.

“Yes really. You of all people should not worry about contributing to the rebellion. From my understanding you too have had a problem with following orders and rules.” Cassian nodded a bit unwillingly. “So why do you think they pair you with me?” He just looked at her as if she had grown an extra head. She sighed.

“They didn’t pair you with me because I’m in dying need to learn, you yourself know I’m better here at fighting than most, no they didn’t pair me with you for that. They paired you with me so that you could learn how to follow orders again and how frustrating it is when someone does not.” He looked at her as if she had told him a very unconvincing lie.

 “And what would you know about that?” Jyn shook her head giving a small laugh. She grabbed two of the batons she saw sticking out of his bag, turning them in her hands, testing how they felt in her hands.

“You still don’t get it.” She said as her eyes still were fixated on the batons.

“Hu?”

“I used the same trick when bringing in new recruits.” Cassian narrowed his eyes as he eyed her up and down.

“But you’re so young, how…”

“Shut up Andor and teach me about using theses sticks” She interrupted with a teasing smile as she gently hit him on the shoulder with one of them and walked away to the part of the room they had trained before.

He sighed and followed her.

“They are not _sticks_ Jyn, they are batons…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback is always appreciated!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really really don't know how i feel about this chapter. I have loads written that i like so i'm just working my way there. Ill probably edit this in the morning. Also this chapter sets around four months after last chapter.

 

Cassian watched as Jyn beat up what was probably the twelfth person with in ten minutes. It didn’t fail to be amusing. To see these big men go up against this small girl and watch as she beat the living crap out of them was like anything he’d ever seen. A part of him was pleased that he had been the one to suggest that she should try out _the sticks_ because she practically lived with those thing attached to her hands. Even if she was going to train for something else, without fail she always brought them, and without fail she would always use them. It was rather amazing how she could create opportunity after opportunity where her style of fighting fitted.

 Occasionally Kaytu would tell him the odds of something that surely wouldn’t end well or that Jyn _had an expectancy of betraying her superior._ Cassian had begun to wonder if the reprogramming had messed with his circuits to have him only see the negative side of things _or maybe he just sees the world as it is; awful._ In the end it didn’t really matter that much. He was fighting for a cause now and he’d be damned if anyone were to take that away from him. He had also tried to convince himself that Jyn was not the cause, he had been in this rebellion for such a long time and Jyn only matter of months, she was not his reason. She was not the reason he smiled more often or that he had received so much more positive feedback, no she wasn’t. She wasn’t the reason he woke with a smile and went to bed happy, surely she wasn’t. She couldn’t be, she was as Kay put it, unpredictable, a danger to the rebellion, a strategically mess and his favourite _a unintelligent version of me_   which Cassian knew was in fact a compliment from Kay only he did present it to Jyn as an insult.

No, Jyn was nothing but his trainee and that’s it.

 He sighed and made his way over to her as she knocked another opponent to the floor, unconscious. She looked up at him as she whipped away a few strands of hair that had come loose from her ponytail. She was sweating and her breath was somewhat uneven.

 “Well, what does the all mighty mentor say?”  She gestured to the body in front of her and Cassian leaned to the side to observe the bench behind her that was filled with the ones she had fought, all utterly defeated.

 “I think that those sticks really did it.” He says and chuckles as Jyn hits him on the arm.

“I was being serious!” Her voice was kind of annoyed and Cassian had learned to not anger her any more in those time.

“So was I, I’m serious Jyn, you really have evolved during these weeks.” She stared at him, waiting for him to say it. He sighed.

“And I’m proud of you.” She laughed and put her arm around his waist as he draped his over her shoulders. They began to walk to the exit.

“There, that wasn’t that hard was it?” She said, snickering and he over the top faked being hurt.

“You have no idea how hard that was _Ms. Erso_. I practically gave you my liiife.” She laughed with him, and Cassian couldn’t help but to feel a twig in his heart. Why wasn’t this enough? Before he could dwell any more on that a familiar voice called his name. They turned simultaneously at the same time to find Mon Mothma stand in the training facility.

Cassian looked to Jyn who had the same look he knew he had, a look that said _what have we done now?_ The council's plan to get Cassian more under control by tutoring Jyn had in a way backfired since every time Cassian wanted to do the _right_ thing Jyn stated that they should do the opposite, which was probably why they still were grounded. Mothma caught up to them with a smile on her face.

“Cassian, Jyn, I’m glad I caught up with you. I have some news to share.” He could feel Jyn going stiff beside him, the last time Mothma had spoken to them it was about her father, a conversion that from the tears on her face and the slammed doors afterwards told him didn’t go that well.

“We are listening.” He said and crossed his arms over his chest, mimicking the movement from Jyn.

“The council, well I have decided that it's time for you two to leave the base.” Cassian frowned, _do what now?_ From Jyn’s gasp he took it she was as surprised as him.

“And why is that? “ He asked suspicion to the very core. It had been but a week since Draven had thought it to be at least a few _months_ before Jyn would see Yavin V from the space. Mothma but smiled again.

“I’ve been watching the two of you train, you have a good strategy and a sound way of planning” Jyn snorted and he pushed her with his shoulders to say _I swear to god if you wreck this…_ “and I do believe that you are ready for this.” Cassian nodded.

“ _We_ are honoured that you deem us that high, aren’t we Jyn?”  Beside him Jyn fought with laughter.

“Of course, honoured.”  Mothmas eyes flickered between the two of them and Cassian did his best to retain his professional look.

“Of course it will only be a minor mission and I do demand that you’ll take K-2SO with you.”

Cassian nodded. “Of course.”

“Good, then I’ll send you the details and you’ll be ready to leave in two hours.” Cassian nodded again. As Mothma turned around to leave Cassian called out for her; “Who will be captain of this mission?” He asked as she turned back to them

“Just read the information I send you and everything should become crystal clear.” With that she left and Cassian turned to Jyn.

“What. Was. That about?” He asked as they both burst into laughter, something that had grown to be a habit around Jyn.

 

* * *

 

When they came back to their bunk his tabloid signalled a new message. He went straight to it and played it. Mothmas calm voice filled the air. 

“ _Sergeant Andor, cadet Erso. I’m pleased to tell you that your first mission together has finally arrived. You are to go to the planet of Tatooine and find a man there who holds important information. He is a friend of the resistance but has gone silent during the last couple of years. There shouldn’t be any trouble waiting for you, but I need you to be on your guard, as always. Cassian, you will take the U-wing you had at your last mission and as for the captain of the mission I’m pleased to tell you that Sergeant Andor now have been promoted to Captain, congratulations…”_ Everything became silent; he couldn’t hear a word of what Mothma said. Captain. He was a captain. With tears in his eyes he turned to Jyn who also had begun to tear up. She threw herself around his neck and he swung her around. Her laughter of joy broke the silent spell. He put her down and took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  Her hand found his.

“Cassian…” He opened his eyes and found hers. She pulled him into a hug and she whispered in his ear; “I’m so happy for you.” It was as if time froze, neither of them moved, both content of being in the other’s arms.

Cassian broke free of the embrace and turned his focus back to the tabloid that had gone silent.

“What more did she say?” Jyn shook her head

“Aren’t you the one that always going about always being on your guard and pay attention to _everything?”_ He gave her a death glare.

“Wait until you get promoted and we will see whose attention is the best.” Jyn shrugged and walked over to her drawer and began to pack stuff into duffel.

“Well Mothma said that if the mission where a success they’d allow me into the rebellion, I take it they mean without having a babysitter every second of the day.” Cassian frowned. _What?_

“So they think your training is complete?” Still turned away Jyn laughed

“Yeah right, I think that if it were up to anyone else than Mon no one would ever, ever clear me for field work.” She turned back to him,  smile plastered on her face.

“No, form what I could understand this mission is a kind of test to assess if I’m worth the trouble. I mean why else would they send us the furthest away from the actions as possible?” Cassian huffed. He hadn’t thought about that. Tattoine _was_ really really far away.

“Well, any chance to get of this base, I’ll welcome with open arms.”                 

“Well I say that be true.” Both continued to prepare for the mission and neither could hide their excitement.

 

* * *

 

 

A mission; Jyn could scarce believe it. They were actually allowed of Yavin. As she finished with her stuff she turned to Cassian who also seemed to be ready to leave.

“Shall we?” She asked as she arched her eyebrow. He smirked and gestured to the door, Jyn yelped as she opened it Kaytu stood mere inches from the door, staring at her.

“There you two are.”

“Force Kaytu, don’t scare people like that.” Jyn said as she moved past him. In the corner of her eye she saw him look to Cassian.

“Did I do something scary Cassian, or is Jyn just special?” Cassian snickered at the question.

“She is special alright, but you might want o consider personal space Kay, it’s something we humans tend to appreciate.” Cassian said as he dunked his metal friend on the chest.

“Come on Kay we have a mission.” Jyn hear the excitement in his voice, Cassian was probably very excited to tell his friend the news.

“I know.” Kay said as Cassian said “I’ve been promoted Captain Kaytu.”

Cassian stopped and turned to the droid.

“You know?” He asked with suspicion in his voice. Kay just waved it of it his hand

“Well of course I know, I always listen through the door when you are in there. I don’t want to miss out on the conversations.” Jyn couldn’t hold her laugh as Cassian stared wide eyed as his friend.

“You what now?” Cassian stared at the droid as it walked past both of them.

“Don’t be silly Captain. You should have known better than to trust an old reprogramed imperial droid.” All Cassian got out was a stammer as they followed the snarky metal clump.

“Perhaps after this mission we should look over his programing?” Jyn suggested. Cassian nodded with his mouth still wide open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said in the beginning, not sure about this chapter, but i wanted to post something so... Next up we have Tattoine and then we're getting closer to their actual relationship. *rubs my hands*


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's been a while. Sorry 'bout that. No really, I'm sorry. This time I even have a kinda valid excuse. You see during the new year and the following week my horses all goes bananas and I have to practically spend every wake second with them, so yeah. Then i went to London for some research for my senior thesis and arrived back home yesterday. You probably didn't need to know all that, ah well, now you do.

It didn’t feel like a couple of months since she last had flown, no it felt like an eternity. The smell of the aircraft, the way the hard bench felt under her were all like new experience. She had never been that big of a fan of flying, but right now she would do about anything to get of that base. Kay, who sat beside Cassian as a co-pilot turned his head to her.

“Why does she get a blaster and I don’t?” The question was clearly meant for Cassian but his robotic eyes were still on her. She gave him a smirk.

“I do know how to use it.” She said to the droid as Cassian chuckled. “Unlike some:” She muttered under her breath, making sure that not even Kay would hear, especially not Kay.

“She needs a weapon Kay, who knows what we will run into.” Jyn felt somewhat of a surprise at Cassian’s reply. Sure, he was right, but he knew just as well as she that no one had given it to her.

“What about those truncheons? Aren’t they weapon enough?”  She swears she could practically hear Cassian roll his eyes. Jyn smiled, Kay had proven that he from time to time was quite the burden to bear, but also he did lighten the mood; even if that wasn’t his intention.  He was just as a child, a big lethal child that quite possible could kill them both in the matter of seconds if he found it appropriate for the situation. Jyn moves herself to the a corner in the back of the ship, drawing her knees to herself, letting sleep overcome her as the journey to Tatooine wouldn’t hold much more that a  temptation to rip out Kay’s circuits.

 

***

 

In her dream Jyn was a child again. The dream could have been a memory but she couldn’t know for sure. She was standing in the creak of a door, looking at her father and the back of her mother. The child could make out some of the words, but when a man stepped forward, dressed all in white she stopped listening. Fear spread thru the little girl as well as in the mind of Jyn. She knew that man. He was the one that was responsible for her being raised and betrayed by Saw. He was a man of the _empire._ Suddenly Jyn saw herself, the younger version in front of her, as if she was watching a hologram of the dream. She saw the girl take a few steps back just before the man dressed in grey _imperial_ clothes stepped into her view. _Her father._ Somehow Jyn realised, she had repressed this. That her father had worked with the enemy before he was taken from her, before he had left her. The man kneeled in front of the child and caressed her cheeks and opened his mouth to speak. But doing so his eyes found hers, the memory broken and turned into a dream.

“What’s the matter Jyn, you look frightened.” Jyn backed away, her feet hitting the wall before the rest of the body. Her pulse was racing and she looked around for something to hit him with but found nothing, the room suddenly blank. He stood up and walked closer with a concerned look on his face. Concern Jyn knew to be false, he didn’t care about her, he had left her. He had left her for _the empire._

 She jerked away as his hand grabbed her shoulder. He looked hurt and shook his head.

“I will always protect you.” He said and got even closer. The dream dissolved into nothing but his voice carried thru. _“Stardust, don’t ever change.”_

 

 ***

 

She jolted awake with ragged breath, her eyes playing across the room, trying to locate where she was. _Not a room, a ship_ she thought as she stood up, shaking her hands in an effort to get rid of the clinging feeling the dream had left.

“Did you dream about your painful and excruciating death?” She frowned at Kay’s question.

“No?” The droid let out a disappointing sound. The answer was nothing less than she had expected from him.

“Pity.”

 

* * *

 

As they were closing in Cassian suddenly didn’t feel like leaving this ship. Out here lay only a mission of minor importance, something that would be over and done with in the matter of seconds. In her, in the ship lay endless opportunities. He had known that mentoring someone would acquire a lot of base work and easing in the cadet, but this did felt ridicules. Their mission was to meet up with the informant, receive a message ad bring it back. Nothing more, nothing less. He gave a sigh and radioed in.

 

They were cleared for landing.

 

Behind him he could hear Jyn getting ready, keeping her hands occupied with digging thru his bag for something. He allowed himself a few seconds longer than necessary before he got out of the pilot seat.

“What happened to you? You look terrible.” Jyn said as he picked up the bag that she just had gone through. Of course she would pick up on it. He just shook his head as an answer as he gestured for her to exit the ship.

“Let's go.” Jyn wasn't a fool and of course she would demand answers but that would just have to wait.

 

The warm, nearly suffocating air hit him like a punch to his guts. Cassias had never liked warmth. It just mad the head numb and his movements sloppy _and_ there was absolutely no way of hiding from it.  Cold weather on the other hand, that he knew how to handle. It didn't shut you down, it woke you up. A long time ago Cassian had decided that if he had a say in it, when he where to go, it would be in the cold.  

He followed Jyn’s quick steps even though he knew she had no idea where they were going.

 For now she was moving in the right direction and Cassian fought himself smiling. _What the kriff have I become?_

 

* * *

 

Jyn had always loved the heat. Stepping of the U-wing and into the wall of warm air had brought her back.  Back to a time when she had followed orders and been pleased to do so. Back to when the person giving her orders had been as a father to her and she had trusted him. Before he had left her, abandoned her in that cave. She shook away the emotions that were bubbling beneath her skin as she moved thru the streets of Tatooine. It was nothing more than she had expected. Filthy, boring and filled with scum. Her eyes caught the innocent eyes of a young blue-eyed boy, no older than thirteen. As someone called his name he turned and ran away. Something about him made Jyn wonder. Wonder how it would have felt to have grown up like that, peacefully and without trouble. How it would have been to grow up as _Luke._

She flinched and prepared to fight as a hand grabbed her shoulder but saw in time who it was. Cassian should thank his lucky star that she did, otherwise he would have gotten a new black eye. He held up his hands to signal peace and she responded with a glare.

“Don't do. That.” He gave her a smirk she knew would be accompanied with a snarky comment.

“You're right. I should've just let you walk in the wrong direction; makes much more sense.” Jyn just narrowed her eyes even more. Cassian nodded to wow small alley behind him.

“This way.” He turned and she followed him. As they walked thru the narrow passage Jyn realised that she no longer liked the warmth. All it ever brought her was memories and pain. She wanted neither. She thought to herself that if she had a say in the matter, when she would go out, it would be i the cold.

 

***

 

They were getting close, Jyn knew that. Not because she had revived any information what so ever, but from Cassian’s nervous twitching. He looked over his shoulder way too often, his eyes signalling that he was not your everyday traveler and probably wasup to no good. She rolled her eyes and gave him a not so gentle pat on his back and pushed him forward. She thought she could hear him mutter something, but it was in a language that was foreign to her. She followed him as he walked closer to a building and approached a door. He gave it a knock. It opened but a second later. The person behind pulling them in so fast she barely had time to register. She reached for her blaster but Cassians hand stopped her.  Jyn gave him a questioning look but he just shook his head. With her eyes still on him, Cassian turned to the stranger.  Jyn’s gaze followed. The man in front of them was not young, nor was he old. Jyn was suddenly overwhelmed by a calmness, something that should have raised red flags within her, but didn’t.

“You are from the rebellion?” The question was short and filled with urgency. Jyn and Cassian both nodded at the same time. The ma pushed past them and went to a bag placed on the floor, and began to dig in it. Soon he found what he was looking for. _A message_ Jyn thought as he handed it to her. She frowned _why would you give it to me, he’s the captain._  As if she had spoken her thoughts out loud the man turned to Cassian with the message.

“Of course, you are the captain.” Jyns frown depend and she tilted her head in confusion.  _Surely not, that would be impossible, he couldn’t have re..._ She broke of the thought as Cassian took the message and a shiver went down her spine. It seemed to her as if the pressing heat was gone and replace with a cold that went straight to her bones. She tried to shrug the feeling of, failing.

“We’ll be on our way then.” She heard Cassian say as thru a fog.

_“That’s an interesting necklace you have, Jyn Erso.”_ The man’s voice echoed through her head.

“Yes, I suppose that’s for the best. “ The same voice said, only this time the man had spoken the words out loud. She blinked confused and puzzled. _What?_ She felt Cassian pull her towards the door, but she refused to move, her eyes looked on the man in the brown robe. She knew full well that it would be in her best interest to follow Cassian without questioning the man but couldn’t help herself.

“How did you do that?” She heard herself ask. The man gave her a smile and lifted his hand, a subtle move she barely registered.

“You do not care what that was about.” Panic rose within her as Jyn never had felt as helpless as she did now. She knew she wanted to know, to get answers but everything within her screamed at her not to. The man repeated the phrase and the question was gone. She gave the man a nod and turned to Cassian. He gave her a wide grin as if something was impeccable funny. Narrowing her eyes she gave him a light punch on the shoulder.

“What are you smiling about?” She demanded. Cassian chuckled as they exited the flat, giving the man a goodbye salute.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Jyn gave him a glare as if to say _tell me or I’ll rip you throat out and strangle you with your vocal cords._

“I just never thought to se Jyn Erso accept orders that easily.”

Jyn frowned.

 

* * *

 

 When the two rebels were safely back on board and the ship was in hyperspace a message was sent to Yavin V.

 

_Operation successful. Message from -----  retrieved. Ms Erso did not defect. Stand by for further instructions…._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I need to say that i appreciate every comment, kudos, bookmark and subscription, it means the world to me, thank you!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is just a short filler

Cassian oddly enough felt relief flood over him as they landed on Yavin. The mission, even if it had been a simple one, had gone off without any hitches. Jyn had actually managed to not screw up. _I should remember that_ he thought as he followed Jyn into the base. Behind him he heard a metallic _clunk_ and knew that Kay had joined them as well. They walked in silence, both lost in the world they just left, the world out there.

They made their way to Mothma’s room and knocked.  To his surprise it wasn’t Mon’s voice that answered, it was Bali Organa’s. The two of them shared a look and Cassian shrugged as Jyn shot him a questioning look. He knew as little as she did.

Entering the room he found that Mon was there as well, but it was Bali that greeted them.

“Please, sit down.” He gestured to the chairs.  Cassian felt himself going stiff; something that he realised happened most times whenever he was in a room like this. Jyn sat down beside him. As Baili sat down beside Mothma he felt how Jyn began to bounce her leg and it took all of Cassian’s willpower to not roll his eyes.

“Do you have the message?” Mothmas crystal voice broke the icy silence. He nodded and reached into his inner pocket. He handed the thin disk to her and she smiled.

“So it appears that you were successful.”

“Yes.” Cassian answered, even thou he wanted to add that it was a task even a monkey would have succeeded with.

“And did the contact add say anything of importance?” Organa asked. Cassian shook his head.

“No sir, nothing of vital importance.” He received a nod from Organa as an answer. Cassian turned to Mothma who still had that smile plastered on her lips. _She does smile a lot, if given the opportunity_ he thought.

“I do think that will be all Captain. You can leave now.” Cassian stood up with a nod and walked to the door and turned, waiting for Jyn to follow him, but she stayed put, her eyes fixed on Mothma.

“Are you coming Jyn?” He asked eventhough he knew the answer.

“Don’t wait for me Cassian, I have something to talk about with Mothma.”  He huffed and walked out of the room. As he walked down the corridor he heard Organa exit the room and Cassian almost gave in to the desire to go back to the room and listen to the conversation Jyn apparently didn’t want to have with him there. Almost.

 

* * *

 

“So…” The single word was filled with much more than just two syllables. Jyn knew that Mothma was watching her, observing her, but she’d be damned if she’d play their game. She arched her eyebrow.

“So… what about that Sergeant post?” Jyn asked and earned another smile from Mothma. The smiling made it hard for Jyn to read her superior. Happy people, smiling people always made irrational decisions and therefore Jyn didn’t trust the woman in front of her. Granted, Jyn didn’t trust anyone. Well, except…

“What about it?” Jyn rolled her eyes and sighed. _Games I tell ya, they always play their kriffing games._

“I was under the impression that if this mission would go, well not horribly, I would at least earn some kind of rank with I the rebellion.” Jyn knew that she probably was to frank, to forward, but she really didn’t think it wasn’t anything they didn’t expect from her.

“So I said.” Mothma paused and looked down on the tablet in front of her, reading something Jyn couldn’t see.

“But I do think we will wait with that, just a little longer.” Jyn bit the inside of her cheek, a bad habit she had picked up during the raids with Saw.

“What did I do wrong?”  The woman in front of her shook her head.

“You didn’t do anything wrong Jyn, we just don’t trust you yet.” Jyn raised her eyebrows.  _It appears that you aren’t much for sugar-coating it either are you?_ Wanting to pick up a possible fight, she thought better of it and simply stood up.

“Then I take my leave.”Mothma nodded and Jyn made her way to the door. Before she closed it she heard Mothams voice.

“We don’t trust you Jyn, but I do.” Jyn let out a small huff and closed the door, finding that she believed Mothmas words.

 

_There’s a first_ she thought as she made her way back to the bunk.

 

***

 

Days turned into weeks and week into months. Slowly they were allowed to take missions of more importance and Jyn did start to feel like the trust Mothma had spoken of, might not be too far away.

 

Of course Jyn wouldn’t think that if she ever caught Cassian’s metallic friend sending reports to Echo base after every mission, but she didn’t know about that. To Jyn, the trust she felt for the rebellion went both ways. Soon enough she would have to realise that the truth was far less honourable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> meeeh. what do you think? I'm sorry if it feels rushed, because it is. I'm trying to get closer to the events of the movie, or well, at least closing up on them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently i can't rush things and somehow I end up with more stalling. Although this chapter does move the timeline forward, like a lot.

one and a half years after first encounter (ish?)

 

 - 

 

Kaytuesso was a droid and painfully aware of that. Technically he probably shouldn’t be, but he was. There was something frustrating about that someone could change his programing that easy and force him to do things he really didn’t want to do. Not that _observing_ Jyn Erso went against any of his non existing morals, it was just frustrating. If he had been capable of feeling, he would have been angry but alas.

 

Statistically Cassian would not be happy with this arrangement, with him _observing_ his novice, but what could the droid do; nothing. Or well he could tell Cassian but what would that really accomplish? Nothing but yelling, which Kaytuesso found extraordinary annoying. Humans always acted so rashly on their emotions.

 

Jyn Erso always said that he acted like a child; that he spoke without thought. The droid snickered. In this case Jyn Erso was wrong, something she usually was and he gladly pointed it out. K-2SO had manages to keep it from both Cassian and Jyn this past year. After every mission he would send a report, leaving no details out, as Cassian tended to do. Like that time Jyn Erso had gone into full rage mood in that cantina and shot the lifeform that had approached her and simultaneously started a fight that caused far too much attention. Or like the time when she had triggered the booby-trap that had pierced Cassian’s calf or the time when… The list could go on for ever. The human Jyn Erso didn’t like to follow direct orders and Kay watched her every move; reported her every move.

 

If the droid had a sense of moral he would have  realised that what he was doing was wrong, but  he didn’t.

 

* * *

 

 

“Cassian HURRY UP!” Jyn yelled at her superior as stormtroopers approached. She heard him mutter something as an answer but couldn’t’ make out the words. In a few swift motions she had knocked the troopers to the ground and she ran to the control panel Cassian stood at.

“What is taking such a long time?” She asked as her eyes panned over the instrument board that made no sense to her whatsoever. He just waved her away, too deep in the task. Jyn had gotten used to not knowing much about the missions she and Cassian went on. For most part she was just a bodyguard with a bad temper and tool of bad luck. For instance, this time the troopers had ambushed them and they had no way out except the one filled with the imperial army. As more of them came thru the door she grabbed Cassian’s blaster, she rarely had one with her much to Cassian’s disapproval to which Jyn always answered _why bring my own when I can use yours._  Which in turn would earn her a glare not even Draven could compete with.  Cassian called out in triumph as he held a card some kind and turned to Jyn.

“I have it, let’s go.” She nodded and moved quickly beside him. He grabbed his blaster from her and fired. Bodies fell to the ground and Jyn tried to remember her training with Saw. She tried to remember that even though there was a human under the white helmet they were all dead to them. The troopers where all dead, none of them should exists. As they ran down the imperial corridor more blasters were fired and more bodies fell to the ground. Cassian called in Kaytu in the radio.

“Yes captain?”  The ever so calm voice came thru. Jyn pushed Cassian to the floor, saving him from a blasters shot.

“Cassian?” the droid asked over the comlink. He looked at Jyn and nodded as thanks.

“Bring about the ship; we are leaving in somewhat of a hurry.” _That’s an understatement_ Jyn thought bitterly as they moved on, her baton crushing the helmet of another identical imperial soldier.

“Remind me to kill you for this when we get out of here.” He yelled at her over the sound of blasters. Jyn smiled and took cover in the creak of a door. She appreciated his effort of making a joke, but there was no way he could pin this on her; like she had anything to do with the alarm that _he_ set of.

“I think you mean _if_ we get out of here.” Cassian shook his head, a smile plastered on his face as well. It really was astonishing how little they feared for their lives, making jokes whilst their time was ticking by. She closed her eyes and counted to three before she threw herself out of her hiding, attacking the nearest enemy, a K-2SO droid. Of course she knew how to disable it, she practically lived with Kay. A blow to its knees and neck did the trick.  Jyn looked up and sighed as the endless stream of opponents continued. She picked up a blaster that one of the now not breathing clones had dropped; she had to admit that she really did like the empire's weapons. Together they cleared the hallway, suffering nothing but a few graces from the blasters. Jyn knew they were the lucky ones, unlike the battalion that had went with them. They ran to the exit and opened it. Outside in the forest of the planted which name was lost to her, their ship was firing on full blast, killing everything and anything that posed as a threat to them. Jyn just hoped that the Shara wouldn’t mistake them for the empire. As they made their way to the now lowering ramp Jyn heard someone call out behind her and she felt her blood grow cold. She knew that voice, remembered it from the dreams she had, from her childhood on  Coruscant . _Orson Krennic._ As Cassian helped her up on the ship she turned and saw him standing there, still dressed in white. The years had done little to change his appearance; it made it all more intimidating. As the ramp closed she heard Cassian yell to the pilot to go. Jyn sank down on the bench by the window, lost in her thoughts. _What had he been doing here?_  And then the most dangerous thought entered her mind. _What if my father was down there?_ Her mind was racing thru the thousands different scenarios that all of the sudden could be a possibility. She jerked back in surprise as Cassian shook her shoulder. She looked up at him and saw his worry.

“What’s wrong Jyn?” She shook her head, in loss of words.  He sat down beside her and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Try to explain.” Her eyes fell to the floor, still processing what she had seen.

“I knew him.” Beside her Cassian frowned. “Who?”  The reply followed.

“The man in white.” As neither spoke, the air filled with the mechanical sound of the ship entering hyperspace. Jyn shook her head, denial written across her face.

“Who was he?”  Jyn swallowed and looked up, her eyes focusing on the space flashing thru the window opposite them. _Who was Orson Krennic?_ A man without honour, who used his friends and abused his power. A man lacking humanity. _A man that used to dine with them._

To say that Jyn’s life have been turned upside down in her life more than once is kind of an understatement. She still remembered the strange feeling that had lingered all the way from Corusat to Lah’mu, how her father tried to explain that the man in white was not a friend and a bad man, something that little Jyn couldn’t understand. He brought her presents; he couldn’t be a bad man. As time moved on, little by little she understood more. But it wasn’t until she was left alone with Gerrera she understood just what kind of man Orson Krennic was. 

“A bad man.” She answered Cassian and stood up, restless in o the bones. She went up to the cockpit and leant over Kay’s seat.

“How are we doing?” Kay just turned his head and stared at her. Jyn knew that droids didn’t have facial expressions but she swears to god, Kaytu somehow managed to master the art of it anyway.

“I assure you Ms. Erso that we _are doing_ fine.” Jyn sighed and turned back to the bench she just left. That droid could be a little too much sometimes. She remained standing, her hand pressed against the wall next to the dirty window. She couldn’t help but wonder why Krennic was there and if their mission had anything to do with him. Somehow she found herself wishing that they’d run into the white caped man again, the sole reason behind it was that she wanted to watch him in the eyes as the blaster’s stinging shot would burrow itself in his shoulder. She wanted to see the life drain out of him, just like it had her mother. Even better, to see his clothes turned red with his blood as the knife meant fro Saw would be embedded in his heart. To be that close, to feel death’s teeth sink into his neck and hear his final ragged breath…

“Jyn.” Her eyes found Cassian’s, they were filled with worry, of course they were. She shook her head, making it clear that she didn’t want to talk. He sighed and stood up beside her, resting his own arm on the wall beside hers.

“You know, communication does lay a solid ground for trust.”  Jyn huffed.

“Both you and I know that the trust between us is a fragile as Kays ability to take care of a human being; pathetic really.” Beside her Cassian chuckled.

“Well you got to start somewhere.” Jyn rolled her eyes and turned her head to him.

“We started that bond one and a half year ago Cassian, one would have thought it to grow a little more by now.” As she had spoken the words she realised that it stung. The feeling of not being able to trust Cassian to a hundred percent. He was by far the person she trusted the most in the rebellion, but she also knew he would always follow orders; he would never go against them, not like she did. During the time she had spent with the rebellion, _the_ _alliance_ , it seldom went more than a week before she had done something wrong and got scolded for it. Cassian on the other hand, he only got into trouble whenever she was involved.

“For that you have to let go.” Cassian’s voice woke her from her thoughts and she frowned.

“Of what?” He have her his typical _oh-you-young-little-rebel_ smirk.

“Of whatever the keeps you up at night.” She flinched. It wasn’t like she hadn’t expected him to not notice that she barely slept, but it was a reminder that she literally had no freedom in this rebellion. 

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.” She muttered, her eyes falling back to the window. Jyn knew that Cassian was still watching her. He sighed beside.

“Jyn, I’m trying. I’m trying to understand you, but you certainly don’t make it easy.” Jyn felt her lips pulling up in a faint smile.

“I thought you already knew me.” She said, her voice low enough for him to choose to ignore if he wanted to. For a moment she thought he did, both were silent and neither moved.

“I’d like to know you even better.” He muttered his voice almost as low as hers had been. Her eyes found his again and she smiled.

“Let’s get this mission over and done with first, then we can spend how long we want to get to know each other better.” Cassian nodded and turned his head as Kay called his name. He gave Jyn a look as if to say _wish me luck_ and then moved towards the cockpit. Jyn followed him, watch his body move and caught herself thinking about how it would feel if he would press her up against a wall, how perfect their bodies would fit together.

 

***

 

“What?” Cassian asked the droid, who simply turned his head and gave a sigh.

“I simply thought you wanted an excuse to get away from Jyn.”  Cassian looked tiredly out through the pilot window and sighed. It had become clear to Cassian after a few missions that Kay wasn’t that keen on Jyn. If the droid had been human and capable of emotions bigger than would fit in a teaspoon he would almost called his friend jealous.

"I don't think your friendship is appropriate and the probability of her turning on the rebellion is apormaxiality..." Cassian cut him of. 

“You don’t need to look after me Kay.” With that he gave his friend a pat on  the shoulder and turned back to where Jyn stood. Something within him ached. Only after a couple of hours in her company he had realised that she was one of the strongest persons he had ever meet and it only made it sadder to see her like this. Of course she would deny that anything was wrong, but she was broken, unlike she had been before. Sure, she had trouble sleeping but in all honestly; who in the rebellion didn’t have trouble sleeping? Most of them had all done unforgivable things, things that should take the half of them. But she had been fine with the troubled sleep and the mistrust placed upon her from the alliance, but right now she wasn’t. He could see her struggling, trying to find her path, just as he had done. He only hoped she would make the right decision, as he began to wonder if he had.

“You should try to get some sleep. Once we get back there will probably be a celebration that will last a while.” _And a memorial_ he thought as he meets her gaze. “You are defiantly could need some before that.” She shrugged and walked over to the corner she usually slept in. Kay had found it a bit peculiar that she continued to sleep like that, but had made an effort of keeping his thoughts a bit quitter. 

“I guess you’re right.” She said as she sat down and pulled her legs up to her chest, transforming the intimidating Jyn Erso that even Cassian knew not to get on his bad side, into a young girl, with traces of innocence on her face.

He nodded, more to himself than to Jyn and sat down on the bench. He leaned forward and placed his head in his hand, trying to follow his own advice. Soon he was spiralling down his sleep and found that it was much more pleasant to be awake.

 

_

 

He was standing in the cave he had found Jyn in, he’d recognise it anywhere. The memory was imprinted in his mind, something he thought of often. He knew if he would open the hatch he would find a young, abandoned and angry Jyn.

He watched as Kaytuesso walked over and opened the hatch, triggering a gunshot from below. He heard himself call out Kay’s name and rushed forward, his baster still in his hand. The unmistakeable sound of someone climbing the ladder told him that Jyn was moving upwards. He moved around the hatch so that he stood behind the opening. As brown hair appeared in his vision he felt himself press the barrel against her head. He wanted to scream at himself that he was insane from doing this, that she was a friend.  In horror he realised what he was doing, but it was too late. His finger squeezed the trigger and the blaster went off. He wanted to close his eyes but couldn’t. Instead he watched as her lifeless body slumped back down the hatch, following as it hit the ground and splayed out her legs and arms in impossible angles. His heart was racing but his hands were still. He wanted to scream and yet he smiled. Down there he could find her eyes, the light fading. Her jaw was molested by the shot; the laser had burned thru and left a gaping hole. He wanted so desperately to look away, to do something to fix this and in the end what he did was better than nothing. He threw down a grenade and closed the hatch.

_

 

When Cassian woke he opened his eyes slowly.The images of Jyn’s broken body was devastating, burned into his mind. He swallowed his dry throat and stood up to find some water. As he gulped down what he found he made his way over to the droid and Sarah.

“We are landing in twenty.” She said, answering the question Cassian had yet to ask. He nodded.

“You want me to take over?” He asked and received a glare from the woman.

“Do you want me to use your blasters?” He held up his hands in peace and backed away, smiling. Sarah knew the line between joke and too far, unlike Jyn and Kay, so it had been nice to have her sign on as their pilot. He looked over to Jyn, trying to repress the dream, failing miserably. It had felt so real, she had looked so real. _But she is not dead_ he thought and walked over to his bag, knowing that there was nothing in the bag that would keep him occupied but tried to find something anyway. As he dug through it his hands stopped at his blaster. It was the same as in the dream, the same blaster he had aimed at Jyn in real life as well. He had never had the intention of pulling the trigger.

 

Or at least that’s what he kept telling himself.

 

* * *

 

Jyn woke like she always did, with panic rising in her chest and pain in her eyes, only this time a new nightmare haunted her. It used to be Gerrera, most of the time anyways. Sometimes it was the rebellion that pushed her away after she finally trusted them, but mostly her old mentor. But the man she once had seen as a father figure had been replace by a man dressed in white and a field on Lam’hu; replaced with her father’s strangled cry when the blaster hit Lyra Erso. Jyn drew in a deep breath through gritted teeth. She was stronger than this, she knew she was stronger than this.

On the count of five she stood up and for a moment everything became white _just as her dream._ She stumbled back to the wall and found her balance again with help of it. She realised that she had not eaten anything the latest 24 hours. She shook her head to make it stop spin and grinned as it did. _Take that physics._ As she made her way to the cockpit she was aware that Cassian followed her movements with his eyes. The familiar sight of Yavin V reached her eyes as she looked out through the pilot window. They were landing. She walked back to Cassian and sat down beside him, nudged him with her shoulder.

“Thanks for the advice, _captain._ ” She saw that he repreced a smile and soehting else she couldn’t quite regeister. She  leaned against him and felt her heart make a flip as he pulled his arm arounder, pressing her closer.

“I do feel a lot better.” She said as she listened to his heartbeat. It was steady, soothing and if Jyn hadn’t just slept, she would have fallen asleep within seconds. As the ship rumbled and landed Cassian let go of her and she sat up straight. He gave her a smile to which she responded in kind. The machinery’s humming stopped and Kaytu and Shara walked down to them.

“Let's get this show on the road then, shall we?” Beside her Cassian nodded and stood up, Jyn followed.

 

_

 

The halls  of Yavin V was as expected very busy, but now a different sound buzzed through the base.  _Success._ No one had really thought it to be a good idea. To wander into an imperial came, somehow get to the control panel, knock out the communications and retrieve messages from the empire had sounded like a suicide plan when it was presented. But somehow they had done it. They had come out the victors, but as always the price they had to pay poisoned the sweet taste of victory. All the men they lost, all the lives that were spilled; they would all be remembered tonight. The bitter truth was that after tonight they would just become another sacrifice for the greater good, lost in the sea of the countless others. Jyn tried to see the success for what it was. Every battle won, no matter how small, was another step closer to bring down the empire.

Rebels streamed around them with joyful shrieks. She looked to Cassian who had a smile on his lips but his eyes spoke of the same pain she held within her. In the moment it was easy to just keep on fighting, to laugh at the enemies and smile when Cassian made a lame joke. It wasn't until the adrenalin left the system it all set in. They were pushed forward by the crowed that was heading for the mess hall. _A celebration._

 

-

 

Jyn didn’t know how many shots she had done before she found herself outside the base, head spinning and completely fascinated by a R4 unit that seemed to do everything in it s power to get Jyn inside again. It failed quite miserably at it. It wasn’t until Cassian called out Jyn looked up. He took her breath away. The numbing alcohol made everything crystal clear, or at least thats was what she thought. The man walking towards her was so beautiful it took her breath away. He moved with such grace, every movement controlled and practised. Jyn tried to get up from her kneeling position but suddenly everything was a blur. The ground and the sky  became one and stars circled her. She reached out to grab the R4 unit but found nothing but air. She started to fall to the ground,(perhaps she had been falling for a while now?) but found herself being wrapped in a pair of strong arms. She gave a content sigh and nuzzled deeper into the embrace that wasn’t really what you would call an embrace. She heard him mumble something against her hair and she tried to stand up again, only to fail once again. Cassaians arms around her tightened and smiled.

“Jyn?” Her eyes opened and tried to find his and after spinning around she did. “Mmm?” Was all she got out before closing her eyes again and lifted her head high enough for it to rest on his shoulder. She felt him caress her head and Jyn couldn’t be more happy with the night. In the beginning of the celebration there had been something that had clouded her mood but she couldn’t recall what it was now. It had something to do with death, but it all seemed so distant. Right now everything was as it should be. She was drunk and in Cassian's arms. Never mind that she had been neither before, this was right, she knew it.

Before she could do anything else she felt his arm slid down to her waist and the other on to the back of her knees. For a short second she wondered what he was doing, but before she had finished the thought he had lifted her up and cradled her close to his chest.

 

Yes, Jyn Erso was most defiantly pleased with how this evening turned out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, i have a distinct memory of me saying that they'd get together soon. hmm. i supposes that soon is a flexible word and i'm kinda taking advantage of that ;)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the wait. I also realised i never did address that Jyn is underage and drinking, even by my swedish standards (you americans have a ridiculous high drinking age).
> 
> Anyhow, here's another and i'm trying, really trying to get this baby moving towards all the stuff ie already written. I just have a few holes i have to fill so soon i might be able to post more. 
> 
> Oh and i probably should mention this chapter is slightly steamy in the end, so if that isn't your cup of tea, you can skip it.

Cassian usually did try to enjoy the celebrations that were held after a missions like this. He had realised that they should try to allow themselves to be happy when given the chance.

He probably should listen to himself more.

His eyes scanned the crowd, looking for a certain now probably drunk brown haired rebel. As he couldn’t find her he pushed through the crowd, heading over to the bar.

 Nope, not there either, but he saw someone else. Kes Dameron.

“Kes!” Cassian called out over the loud voices. The pilot turned and smiled when he saw it who it was, he as well on the edge of tipsy. _Celebration with the rebellion is just an excuse to drink your head out_ Cassian thought as he made his way over to Kes.

“Have you seen Jyn?” He had to repeat the question twice before his friend understood. When he did, Kes nodded eagerly and pointed to the landing platforms. Cassian frowned and thanks his friend.

 Of course she had sneaked away; she probably laid in a bush, unconscious and drunk. As he drew in the fresh air a smile crept over him; odd a night as this. He should be crippled by guilt, but right now, somehow life was okay. Granted, that was a lie, but sometimes lies where a necessities. Cassian fought the urge to laugh when he saw what Jyn was doing. Her giggles and hiccups told him that her actions had little to do with interest and more the curiosity of alcohol. Her hands explored every part of the droid, every hatch was inspected as the R4 unit made sounds and attempts to remove the drunken girl from the landing pad.  He saw her balance falter, yeah, she was defiantly very drunk.

 “Jyn!” He called out as he got closer. Her head turned and he met her green eyes. They lit up like a thousand stars and he groaned within himself. This would be one of those nights. One of _Captain, I adooore you very *hic* much. You make this rebellion *hic* into a treeeat_.

Cassian hadn’t had a problem with drunk people before Jyn. He had rarely had any problem with anyone before Jyn. Either the person in question was with the empire and therewith disposal, or the person was something else, but still as disposal as the rest of them. Jyn however didn’t quite fit into either of those two categories. He huffed as he got closer and saw how the final ounce of balance left the brown headed girl. He acted without thinking, finding Jyn in his arms and a smile on her lips. He tried his best at push back his own, failing. He lifted the girl up and held her closer to his body, the feeling unknown and yet familiar.

 

It felt right, to have Jyn in his arms.

 

It was right.

 

Behind him he heard the R4 unit make some sound of complaint but Cassian continued. For a second he debated if he should take her to the medic, they could probably give her something for the soon to come hangover but he thought better of it. She could stand to learn a lesson or two, he also had a small stash of things that would help. He made his way over to their bunk, something that he tried to come up with an excuse for why they still shared it, but naturally there really was none. After the missions that all had cost the rebellion a fair share of men there was no shortage of available bunks and Jyn could get one without even asking. But Cassian didn’t want that, even if he couldn’t admit it to himself. In his arms Jyn wriggled, making a sound somewhere between content and annoyed. 

“Soon there _maníca_.” He caught himself squeezing her arm as comfort, he also found that it soothed her. He smiled. The distant sound of the celebration could be heard and if Cassian’s previous experience was anything to go on, the sound would not die anytime soon.  The door’s hiss woke Jyn from her half sleep stage and her eyes searched for something. She gave him a smile when they found his.

“Thank you.” Her voice was quiet and her eyes calm, something that made his heart skip a beat. Cassian tried to swallow the lump in his throat, not quite succeeding. He walked over to her bunk, and bent down to lay her there. But as he made an effort to stand up her hands grabbed hold of his jacket, pulling him down to her. Still standing beside the bunk, half his body leaning over hers he placed his hands beside her head to regain balance. He shook his head at her, a smile plastered on his face.

“Jyn…” he began but was cut off by her groan.

“Don’t _Jyn_ me. “ Her hands tugged him closer, forcing his balance out of order. As his body fell over hers a content sigh escaped her lips. He couldn’t help the laughter bubbling within him. He rolled of her but her hands were still latched onto his jacket. “Jyn…” He groaned and grabbed her wrists. Before he pulled her hands of him he made the mistake of looking up at her. As usual she took his breath away. He clenched his jaw, he had told himself that he wouldn’t feel this way. Apparently he lied to himself as well. Her eyes were burning, filled with so much he couldn’t even name it. Before he could do anything else her lips came crashing down on his. As the rational thoughts left him he responded in kind. In the back of his head a voice screamed at him to stopped, that this was wrong and that it was the alcohol that made Jyn into this person. That it was the alcohol that had lit the fire that burned his lips, the fire that seared its way into his heart.

The kiss was raw, filled with so much emotion, anger, lust, and above all sorrow. As Jyn pulled back, gasping for air Cassian saw the tears that silently ran down her cheek. He wiped them away with his thumb. He opened his mouth to comfort her, but was cut off again.

“Don’t say it Cassian.” The words had barely left her before her lips was pressed against his again. Cassian groaned against them, nibbling at her underlip, forcing a quiet moan out of her.

 _Just a little while longer_ Cassian told himself, not ready to push the woman under him away, even though he knew that this wasn’t the way it should go down.

 As her lips began to trail down his neck and kissing everywhere she could his heart if possible speed up even more. He jolted up out of bed, this time avoiding her eyes, and stood up.

 “We can’t do this Jyn.” The girl just looked at him in confusion; drunk. She shook her head and stood up.  OR well, tried to stand up, failed and sat down on the bunk again.

“Why?” she sighed more than asked, the fire in her eyes fading. He gave her a stern look and somehow through the foggy mist of alcohol she got the message.

“Killer joy.” She muttered and slumped back down on the mattress. Cassian draped his hand over his face and let out a deep breath.

 

_What the hell was happening with him?_

 

He looked over to Jyn, who had made herself comfortable in a position that Cassian knew she would regret in the morning. He walked over to the counter where he pulled out a few pills that he knew from experience that would help her in the morning. He placed them and a glass of water next to her bunk. With a sigh he narrowed his eyes and gave in to the temptation, she was asleep. Gently he moved her into a position that would not cause her the same amount of pain her currently would, and pulled a blanket up over her. She didn’t even flinch.  

Unsure of what he should do next; sleep was probably the furthest thing on his mind right now, he decided that a walk would do him good.

It did, in a way.

 

The next morning he woke to a groan from Jyn. He couldn’t help but to smirk.

 

* * *

 

Jyn have had hangovers before, but this one hailed from the deepest pits in hell. When she opened her eyes, the weak light from window stung in her eyes. With a groan she closed her eyes again and rolled over to her side. A chuckle from Cassian’s side of the room rang in her ears.

_Why was everything so bloody loud?_

She swallowed and slowly, ever so slowly opened her eyes again. This time it was easier. Through her narrowed sight she saw a glass and something beside it on the table in front of her. She assumed it was the chuckling Captain that had put it there, Defying her throbbing head she moved as fast as she could and gulped down the pills. A smile crept upon on her face as the effect was almost instant. Sure, her head still hurt like hell, but she could at least think now. She could also give the chuckling man a death glare.

¨”What are you cackling about?” she got out, her voice dangerously low. He shook his head at her and stood up to finish whatever packing he was doing. _Where they going on another mission today?_ Jyn couldn’t bring herself to remember.

“Oh nothing.” Jyn arched her eyebrow and she received a smirk from the captain. “I’m just glad to see you in such a happy mood Jyn.” She narrowed her eyes and stood up, closing the distance between them and pressed a finger quite harshly into his chest.

“Watch it Andor, or my _happy mood_ will get you into trouble you didn’t even realise could be possible.” She growled at him, her eyes locked with his.  There was something in them that made her wonder, he was looking for something. It was almost as if his eyes asked a question, to which Jyn didn’t know the answer.

“Is that so?” Jyn didn’t know if she was imagining things or if his voice really sounded as seductive as she thought it did. She responded with a smirk, matching his.

“Don’t tempt me Cassian.” _Why was she standing this close?_ The space between them had shrunken from small to none existence. Suddenly his hands were on her back, and hers pressed against his chest. She saw his jaw tick, not sure if it was in anger or in a attempt to bite back a laughter.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” He said and leaned down, his lips brushing against her. She froze as it all came flooding back, the night before, the a few too many shots, her one-way conversation with that poor droid. Cassian’s arms around her, carrying her to their bunk. _The kiss._ Jyn felt a blush spread out on her face and pushed back against him. Might as well enjoy the ride whilst it last.  A low sound comes from Cassian as she pushes him against the wall, smiling in the kiss. This was an okay way to cure a hangover.

She doesn’t hold back, its raw and holds all the emotions that they have suppressed this past years and a half. Teeth clang against each other and she tugged on his hair. His hands found the edge of her sweater and crept under it. Jyn hissed at the contact of skin to skin, pressing herself against his hands. Cassian gave a chuckle as she began to nib at his jaw and down to his neck. She sucked a bruise there but then he found her lips again, turning them around and pressing her against the wall. He repays the favour and leaves her neck filled with colourful marks. She moans his name she feels him going harder through the thin pants he’s wearing. He croaks out his name, his voice broken with desire. Her eyes find his and she gasps, he look at her with such intensity it almost makes her knees buckle. Kissing him was like breathing air; a necessity to survive. As he tried to pull back, her lips followed, adamant to savour every second of this before he started to talk nonsense as _this isn’t appropriate._

So before he could do anything like that she pushed him backwards, towards his bed. As expected he began to protest, his arms too strong for her to fight.

 “Jyn, we shouldn’t…” She cut him off with another kiss as she pushed him down into the bed, straddling him.

“Hush with you, yes we should.” As she began to pull off his shirt he gave in to her, his lips trailing her neck, his breath heavy. Once she had gotten rid of his shirt and her nails were scraping over the bare skin she knew that this was the right choice. The rest of his clothes followed his shirt and Cassian turned his attention to hers; soon after they too were on the floor.

 

When the two of them emerged from the bunk later that day, the captain and his lieutenant both did their best to hid the similes and hickeys the other had caused, and of course, failing miserably at it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait! I've just had ton of things to do and yeah... better late than never

Kaytu never really understood why human bothered with emotions; all they caused were rash decisions and uncalled for as they put it  _heartbreak._ Something the droid never would understand. Then again he was a droid and that might be why he didn’t understand; for instance why the captain was so infatuated with the horror that went by the name Jyn Erso. He had run at least a thousand different scenarios and only around 2% had a happy outcome. The fact that he was the reason that it would be so he would leave out if Cassian ever asked him for the statics. IF the droid could have, he would have narrowed his eyes and glared at the brown head that came into the cockpit, but alas he couldn’t.

“When are we landing?” She asked and Kaytu wanted to point out to the smirking captain that now was not an appropriate time to ask such question. Jyn Erso had no business with _when they were landing_ , but the captain answered anyway.

Technically Katu knew that he was being childish but since he was a droid he chose to ignore that fact completely and make a note to watch the brown headed rebel a little extra closely.

 

* * *

 

Jyn had never felt like this before, or at least not what she can remember. Perhaps she had been this happy when she had been with her family, perhaps. But right now she felt like nothing in the world would dampen her mood, everything was as it should be (even though most things weren’t okay). 

Their mission was not unlike the once they had before. This time they were supposed to find a male besalisk that went under the name of Dex. Apparently he had been a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend and so one. Point being, the alliance wanted to know if he stood with them.

 She sat down on the bench, her gaze once again drawing to the cockpit and the man there. The flutter in her heart should have made her uncomfortable, she had become vulnerable, but it didn’t. Just the thought of Cassian's lips against hers made that unwelcome feeling go away. She really was smitten.

 They were landing and did so outside the location that had shown sign of life, not wanting an ambush the first thing when they stepped outside. When the craft stood still and the humming had stopped her eyes flew up, meeting Cassian’s. His lips twitched up in a smile. She let herself be pulled up by his hands, hands that lingered a second longer than necessary. Before Kay could say anything about them taking too long she captured his lips in a quick kiss and proceeded to exited the ship with Cassian in tow and a smile plastered on her face. The planet was bleak, not like a desert planet, there there where life, here there was nothing; everything had been consumed by the empire. They were closing up on the abandoned arena of Geonosis, where they had been told a massacre of the Jedi had been executed.  Chills crept down Jyn’s spine. That was impressive really, not much did that to her these days. Being raised as a soldier by Saw Gerrera had that effect. As did her ability to trust people. One and half year it had taken for her to finally accepting that she trusted Cassian, but if she was honest with herself she had trusted him almost from the first time they met. Sometimes it’s clear who you can and cannot trust. The air tasted of death and the empty space in front of them awoke the uneasy feeling of the coming disaster. They had endured their fair share of failed missions and ambushes and Jyn knew they were walking into a trap. Her hand squeezed Cassian’s and he meet her gaze. He knew it to.  With an encouraging nod she soldiered on. 

The droid that was walking behind them, watching their move and documenting it for the mission he was given all those months ago. _To find out who Jyn Erso was and if she’s a threat to the rebellion._ Kay could tell them that she was in fact just a really young, stupid girl that was in love with _his_

 

* * *

 

 

Cassian had never liked desert planets, of course he never had. He had grown up on a planet made out of ice, this heat had never agreed with him. As they entered the abandoned arena made out of red sandstone he felt a shiver go down his spine despite the pressing heat. He released Jyn's hand and pulled out his blaster and saw her do the same thing in the corner of his eye.

 Their footsteps echoed throughout the dead walls and the sound of Kay's metal against the stone rang out clear. A shadow caught his eye, and he held out an arm to stop his companions. 

“I saw it too.” Jyn answered before he could warn her. She took the lead, much too his dismay. _It’s the leader's place to go first._ The narrow tunnel they had gone into grew even darker and whatever shadow they had seen disappeared into nothing. With cautious steps Jyn moved further on and Cassian fooled with the same caution. They had moved soundless if it weren’t for Kay, but there was little to do about that now. Whatever ambush they were walking into now defiantly knew that they were here. The tunnel took a turn to the right and suddenly light fell upon them, causing a momentarily blindness; a blindness that the person waiting for them took advantage. He heard Jyn cry out in what he assumed was both anger and pain and he griped the blaster tighter, preparing to fire back. As the white light subsided and the figures in front of him turned into two persons fighting he gave a silent curse. Jyn was fighting what from the looks of it was a bounty hunter, someone that had little value to them. Bounty hunters were unpredictable and unloyal. No one the rebellion wanted and someone who most likely wouldn’t give out information if he had any, about the empire.

 Jyn was hurt, her fighting gave it away. Her punches were sloppy and imprecise, very much not like Jyn. She got out her batons, serving a powerful blow to the enemy’s stomach, causing the person to double over in pain, but before she could punch him to the ground she was pulled down on the ground and Cassian saw the flash of a knife in the man’s hand. In panic Cassian threw himself forward, the spell broken. But as usual, his timing was awful and the knife embedded itself in Jyn’s shoulder. This time he could tell just how much pain she was in and before his fist hit the man’s head he saw her eyes flash in rage. The armoured body fell to the ground beside Jyn and she rolled herself on top of him, the blaster the man had dropped in her hands and it was aimed at the head of the man. Not willing to hurt her, with caution he pulled her away, earning a few curses from Jyn, aimed both at him and the unconscious man lying on the ground.

“That’s enough.” His arms were wrapped around her abdomen, her body pressed tightly against his. He could feel it vibrate with anger, but as she slowly realised that he was not backing down he felt her relax a bit. Her ragged breath evened out and her body became slap against him.

“Damn you Cassian.” Releasing a huff he turned her around in his arms, one hand cupping her  cheek, his eyes searching for what pain and sorrow he was sure he’d find in hers. But he was only meet with annoyance and love. He saw how she tried to push herself up to his lips but his rams pressed her down again, making her frown and her eyes narrow.

 “You have a knife in your shoulder Jyn.” He said and watched how the young rebel only deepened her frown. 

“So what?” Cassian pressed a kiss to her temple before he answered

 “So that means we should save _that_ for later.” As the word had left his mouth he turned to the droid who just had been watching the entire time and waved him over.

 “Kay, can you carry that man to the ship?”  Cassian knew he would receive a comeback and if he were lucky; a moody droid for the next hours.

 “ _Can_? What do you mean with _can I carry_? Of course I can…” Cassian stopped listening to his friend, his focus once again turned to the now grimacing brown head. He knew the question that were on his lips was transferred through his eyes, because he received a glare from Jyn that made him laugh and at the same time wonder if he should sleep with a knife next to the bed.                                                                                                               

“Of course I’m fine Cassian, nothing that a little bacta will fix.” She said and he heard how Kay picked up and slung the unconscious man over his shoulder. Cassian took Jyn’s hand, hers was shaking.

“It’s okay to not be…”  He didn’t finish that sentence for Jyn had twisted his arm in an angel that was to say the least; painful.

“Don’t you dare Andor, we’ve come too far to play the pity game with each other.” Cassian simply nodded, knowing that any other answer would not end well.  She released her grip and with the arm that wasn’t attached to the shoulder with the knife embedded in, she pulled him closer to press a kiss against his lips. She was smiling into it, her teeth sinking into his underlip and Cassian chuckled, knowing just how wonderful weird the two of them where. 

But there was no denying it, even here, in the tomb of Jedi’s, in an abandoned arena and with a knife in a shoulder, the feelings they held for each other blossomed. When Jyn broke the kiss her smile had grown into a grin that lit up her eyes, despite the pan Cassian knew flooded through her body. 

“I think you are a selfish jerk that didn’t want to kiss me.”  Cassian fought the urge to roll his eyes and pressed another light kiss to her lips.

 “I think you still have a knife in your shoulder and that we need to get that taken care of.” He said before he started to walk back the way they had come. With Jyn beside him, third hands locked he could hear Kay mutter _“I think you both are insufferable.”_ Cassian chuckled and Jyn let out a light laughter.

 Even in these moments, when they had followed a false lead and one of them injured, both found the light, the happiness that before each other had seemed like such a foreign thing

 

 

* * *

 

“On the count of three.” Cassian said as he gripped the knife that still as in her shoulder. Jyn clenched her jaw, preparing for the pain that already wasn’t pleasant ot become unbearable. She took a deep breath and nodded, giving him a sign to go on.

 “One.” A sharp whitening pain raged through her body and a cry of pain escaped her lips as the metal had left her flesh.

“Son of a…” She bit her lips and tire to take another deep breath, failing. _Every time Cassian, every time._ Throughout the missions that all had gone wrong she had learned that if Cassian was counting down to something that was going to be painful he would always, _always_  go on the first count. The gesture was nice, to spare the her from pain since her body would be more relaxed, only now she knew that he would do it on the first count, and thereby the trick lost its charm.

 Cassian gave her a pat on her uninjured shoulder before he pressed a cloth to the wound. She hissed in pain, the antibacterial fluid stung worse than the actually stabbing.

“Almost there.”  He said in comfort as he with his other hand spread on some bacta gel. Jyn wanted to punch Cassian for saying something like that. He knew how she felt about empty comforting (even if this comfort had truth to it). As relief began to spread through her body when the gel started to work, Jyn let out a content sigh. She looked up to Cassian who stood there, a smug grin on his lips. She narrowed her eyes, _damn this man._

 “What are you smiling about?” He held out a helping hand and pulled her up, capturing her lips in another kiss.

“It’s just good to see you accepting help _Erso._ ” He said and Jyn knew that that wasn’t the reason.

“Whatever you say Cassian.”  She moved her eyes to what lay behind him, _the bounty hunter._ Kay had put him down a few meters from the ship, the still unconscious body leaning against a rock. She gave a nod in that direction.

 “What should we do about him, he clearly isn’t the man we were looking for.” Cassian’s lips twitched.  _Unless the besalisk Dex have lost two thirds of his weight it’s not very likely that that man is the one we are looking for._

“Don’t we have any water we can splash on him to get him awake?” Cassian asked, arching an eyebrow, his eyes filled with mischief. Jyn smirked.

“I know an even better way.” She said and pushed past Cassian. She kneaded down beside the man, wincing a little since the wound even though the skin had healed, still hurt. She began to strip his chest of armour, ignoring the sound both Cassian and Kaytu made. When the nothing but a thin fabric remained on the upper part of the man’s body she ran her hand over his chest, smiling when she found what she was looking for. _Solaris_   _plexus._ She pressed down a finger and watched how the man jolted awoke in pain.  Cassian who stood beside her lifted his blaster and amid it on the man who looked at them both with anger in his eyes. Before he could do anything else Jyn pressed the same knife he had used on her against his neck.

“Who are you?” When all she received was a glare from the man she pressed the metal harder against this neck, the blade breaking the skin just enough for a few drops of blood to spill. _So you bleed like the rest of us, then talk_ Jyn thought as the man still remained silent.

“Who are you?” She repeated, and this time a barrel pressed against the man’s head.  His eyes flickered to Cassian and then back to Jyn. He spat on her and Jyn didn’t even flinch as Cassian threw himself on the man, in his own words _he wasn’t pulling his punches._ Jyn watched him a moment, quite amused, but put an end to it when she saw that the bounty hunter didn’t fight back, this wasn’t a man you could beat the truth form.

  
“Stop.” The second the word had left her lips he stopped, his eyes finding hers. She nodded and he stood up, pulling the beaten man up with him.

 “She asked you a question, answer.” He hissed. Jyn stood up and looked the man in his eyes. The three of them remained still, only the men’s ragged breath broke the silence.

 “I’m not important to the alliance.” The man said and Jyn gave Cassian a quick glance.

“And why should we trust the words of a bounty hunter, you attacked us” She answered and the man smirked.

“You followed me.” Cassian was in the verge of losing his temper again and Jyn stepped forward to grab his arm, mouthing _don’t._

“We mistook you for someone else, now answer my question.” For a second Jyn thought the man wouldn’t answer, she saw the same stubbornness in his eyes she had within herself, but he did.

“I’m a criminal who you’d put under arrest and trial that would end badly for me.”

“You aren’t exactly helping your case by not answering our question.” Cassian said and Jyn fought the urge to smile at his voice, it was filled with so much anger and annoyance it almost felt like he had a personal vendetta against the man. 

“I can give you information about the empire if you let me go free; valuable information.” The words hung in the air and Jyn knew Cassian was assessing the risk, she was. The alliance had no reports on the bounty hunter, not that she knew of any way. And if they could get fresh information it could make the difference they needed.

“Where did you get this information?” The man smiled, there was something the man that Jyn didn’t like. He was a person she could never trust ad yet there was something about him that she saw herself in.

“I enquired it myself.” When neither Jyn nor Cassian spoke he continued. “It’s fresh, not but a few weeks old.”  Without breaking eye contact with the man she called out Kays name. He appeared by her side within second.

“Did you find anything on him that could hold the information he’s speaking of?” metal fingers held up a disk in front of her.

“I found this.” Jyn took it with a grin and turned her gaze back to the man.

“We have the information, now you have no leverage. Tell us your name.” The second she said it she realised her mistake.

“It’s encrypted.” OF course it was. Saw had thought her how to do that, and she knew if it was done well, there was no way of opening it without the key. And from the looks of it, this man knew what he was doing.” She looked to Cassian, the answer she was looking for stood clear. Of course Cassian really wanted to maim this person, but even he knew when something was of importance. She gave him a nod, a nod that the bounty hunter didn’t miss.

“Okay, you’ll open it for us and we will let you go.”

 

* * *

 

Sometimes he hated just how strong sense of a moral Jyn had, example given, right now. Yes they had promised the man that they would let him go if he opened the disk, which he had done and now he was watching with a bitter expression and clenched jaw how the man walked away as a free man. _The man that had stabbed Jyn._ Cassian knew that he might, _might_ be overreacting. He turned back to Jyn who read through the files on the tablet. He leaned over her shoulder and read the list.

 

Several of unfamiliar names and dates appeared but it was one that caught his attention. _Status report Stardust._ He knew Jyn had seen it as well, her entire body had gone stiff and her breathe had hitched. He pressed on it and the report loaded. When it opened one name stood out clearer than everything else.

 

_Galen Erso._

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

_Stardust._

_Galen Erso._

 

The two words were on a constant repeat in Jyn’s head, she heard nothing else. Not the ships humming, nor Kays and Cassian’s voices. It wasn’t until he grabbed her hand and forced her to look at him she realised he was trying to speak with her. 

She was puzzled by the pain in his eyes, it wasn’t his father that was working with the empire and had sent a report containing encrypted messages. It wasn’t his world that had collided. She opened her mouth to ask him what he was doing but no sound left her lips, instead a treacherous tear fell down her cheek.  He wiped it away, kneeling in front of her. 

“Talk to me Jyn.” His words were low, barely audible. She lay her other hand over his, tracing the veins with her fingers. He waited and she remained silent. There wasn’t anything to say; nothing that really mattered. 

“Jyn…” She looked up, unwilling to do so, but lost in his eyes. She shook her head, knowing that her voice would be broken if she spoke. When he sat down beside her and pulled her closer against him, a sob escaped her and then she was lost.  She let the tears flow, let the sobs tear through her body and he held her as tight against him as he could. Jyn didn’t ever want to leave his arms.

 She knew that she was stronger than this, that she should be able to stand up and not think twice about this. She was a solider, harden by war and loss, a few words should be able to break her. Jyn let herself be pulled into Cassian’s lap, his hand rubbing her back in soothing circles whilst her head rested in the crock of his neck. Her tears soaked his skin and his shirt, not that he seemed to mind but that was just one of the thousand thoughts that entered her mind.

 In his arms she no longer felt like the woman that had been in this war for ten years, she didn’t feel like the soldier Saw had made out of her. Right now she wasn’t Liana Halik, Tanith Ponta or Kestrel Dawn, she was Jyn Erso. The girl that was abandoned at eight years old and then again at barely sixteen. She was the girl that did feel guilt as she pulled the trigger and crushed skulls. She was vulnerable and for once she couldn’t even bring herself to wish something else.

 She just allowed herself this moment of weakness, here where no one else could see, where she was safe in the arms of the man she loved.

 

* * *

 

During his training with Jyn there hadn’t been a single time he had doubted her strength. From the first time he had seen her Cassian had known she was the strongest woman he would ever meet and to be honest, at times her strength had scared him. But right now she was in pieces, crumbled into dust; right in front of his eyes and it broke his heart. He couldn’t do anything, he was absolutely helpless.

Her body had gone rigged as the name of her father had appeared in the report and he had taken the tablet from her, reading through it. The bounty hunter had done a fairly good job with cracking the code for it, but key fragment was still missing. From what Cassian could make out of it, the report contained information about newly employed scientists and the credibility Galen Erso assessed they had. There was also a fragment that barely was readable but one fragment stood out _not ready, complications with core._ He heard Jyn make a sound as she stood up and walked to the place she usually sat during flights. As he tried to read on it hit him, _they are talking about a weapon._ His heart began to speed up as he skimmed through the rest, desperate for more information, but found none. The rest of the report was too encrypted, to filled with nonsense for it to make any sense. He read it once again, just to be sure that he hadn’t missed anything; he hadn’t. As he put it down he turned to the droid.

 “Have you picked up anything about a new weapon Kay?”  There was a silent pause, probably just because Kay wanted to be a moody teen because Cassian knew that if his friend had any information the answer should be instant.

 “That question is open for interpretation.”  The Captain gave the droid a glare and waited for him to continue.

 “From the alliance archive I’ve found several stolen imperial reports containing information about new weapons and their tests, but none like the one you are referring to. We have new blasters, an upgrade to the tie-fighter, AT-ST…” Cassian cut him f with a wave of his hand

“Thank you Kay, that all I needed to know.” Cassian looked over the control panel, lost in thought. _What weapon were they building?_

“However, Galen Erso’s connection to this might shed some light on it.” Cassian turned his head back to the droid, who was still looking out through the cockpit.

“His name has been one that has resurfaced a lot in the recent messages the alliance have gotten their hands on.” _Of course_ Cassian thought bitterly and clenched his jaw.

“I do think this compromises Jyn Erso Captain, perhaps we should leave her on the nearest planet and be rid of the problem?” Cassian stood up, not wanting to dignify Kay’s comment with an answer. He had been abandoned before and so had she, never again.

 He walked over to her, her name on his lips but she didn’t react. Her eyes were looked in the empty air and Cassian could feel his heart ache at the sight. The thought of Jyn hurt like this made his blood boil and his hands shake.

“Jyn.” He said again, but was met with the same response, nothing. He took her hand and her eyes flew up and met his, he gave her a faint smile; a smile that was met with a dead gaze. Her mouth was open as if she wanted to say something, but she remained silent. A single tear spilled over and onto her cheek. With a sigh he kneeled down in front of her, his thumb wiping it away. Her skin was warm against his hand, but her eyes were colder than Fest winter. The fire that burned there had burned out.

“Talk to me Jyn.” He got out, surprised at the strength his voice had. He knew Jyn and her expressions, she only needed a push over the edge and she would open up. But one step in the wrong direction and he would pay the price. Her eyes fell to her hand that was tracing his, with feather light touché she followed his veins.

“Jyn…” Slowly she looked up again and this time the look on her face broke him. She shook her head as he stood up and sat down beside her. The tears in her eyes spilled over and as he pulled her closer a sob broke the silence. With his jaw clenched he pressed her shaking body harder against his, damning the empire for its destructiveness. For their ability to break the woman he loved with nothing more than a few words. As the sobs that tore through her grew rougher he pulled her into his arms, his arms around her and her head resting against his neck.

 He didn’t know how long they sat like that before her breathing evened out. It could have been minutes and it could have been hours. But eventually she calmed down, her breath against his neck became even and her grip of his shirt loosened. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and wiped away the last remaining tears. Her eyes found his and this time the sight didn’t break him. This time he saw a spark, perhaps not as strong as hope, but it was way more than the dark abyss he had stared into before.

“Oh Jyn, I’m sorr…” He was cut off by her lip. The kiss grew in strength as she did, life slowly returning to the woman that he adored. He wanted to point out that she still was hurting from the knife wound and that they probably was landing soon but forgot all that as she straddled him, her lips pressing against his with a force he did think she had in her broken body. A moan escaped him and he could feel her smiling against him. Her lips trailed down his jaw and latched on to the place she had rested here head a few moments before. His hands travelled up her body to her hair, tangling themselves in the messy brown locks. When she leaned back to watched the colourful mark she had left there, she did so with a smug smile on her lips. Cassian leaned forward to capture that smile in  another kiss as…

 “CASSIAN! I need you here.”  Jyn laughed against his lips, both knew Kay did his very best to minimalize the time the two of them spent together. Before Jyn moved away from him lap, she pressed a light kiss to his cheek, and stood up. Cassian shook his head and stood up as well.   
“We will continue this later.” He whispered in her ear as he walked past her to the cockpit. Cassian swore he could hear her grin widen as she followed him.

“I asked for Cassian, not you too Jyn Erso.” Kay said as Cassian sat down in his seat.

“Well, I’m here now Kay, seems pointless to leave.” Jyn replied and Cassian’s smile widened.

“Landing in five.” He said, his eyes locked in the panel in front of him as he prepared for landing. Kay radioed in and they got a landing pad.

 

 _

 

As the ship touched the ground he heard Jyn stand up and move to the back, probably to gather their things. He allowed himself to remain a little longer than necessary in the seat, reflecting on what they had learned and what his would mean.

_Probably nothing good._

 

* * *

 

 

As they exited the ship Jyn felt the tiny sparks of joy Cassian had put in her vanish. A head of them lay only countless discussions about their mission, about her father and whatever he was building. And of course, the accusations that would be laid on her. Cassian must have felt her mood drop for he grabbed her hand and pulled her closer to him. Even if it was just for a couple of second, it was more than nothing and it gave her at least some strength.

 They had not really discussed it, about whether or not to be public with their feelings. Neither of them wanted that, it felt wrong. In a time like this, when war was just outside the threshold, it didn’t feel right to have a relationship of this kind. Both of them had been raised as soldiers and been raised with the thought that affection was nothing but a liability.

 But that didn’t stop the feelings, only their publicity with them.

 Of course it was Draven that meet them on the landing pad, he and some of his to Jyn unknown subordinates. She gave the general a short nod, whereas Cassian shook his hand.

  “The lack of another lifeform in tow tells me the mission was not a success, am I right in assuming that Captain Andor?”  Jyn saw how Cassian bowed down his head, and she wanted to punch Draven. Granted, she always wanted to punch Draven and the fact that she was riding out the emotional train wreck the report had left her in had little to do with that. At least that was what she told herself.

 “You are right in assuming that we did not manage to extract the besalisk named Dexter Jettster.” Form the look Draven, he was as usual displeased with the mission. Well, he was usually not pleased with a mission Jyn had taken a part in, Cassian seemed to be able to do nothing wrong.

 “We did however mange to come across information that might hold some value for the alliance.” At this the generals eyes sparked and gestured them to move further on.

“Do tell…”

 

_

 

During the time Jyn had spent with the alliance, she had learnt to just disconnect during briefings, no one but Mothma seemed to even acknowledge her presence, but today most eyes were on her. When the information had been restored more of the report with her father’s name in had been revealed. It wasn’t enough for them to figure out what they were talking about, but it was enough for everyone in the room to look with suspicion in their eyes at her. It stood clear that her father played a major role in this development and it seemed as the few friends she had managed to gather during these past months, all thought her to be the enemy now. It stung, she couldn’t claim otherwise, but nothing hurt more than the glance that Cassian gave her as he read through the new information. She knew both had trust issues and she couldn’t blame him for thinking the thought, but it hurt nevertheless.

 As more eyes turned to her and even more questions were asked she found his eyes, trying to translate all that she felt into a single gaze. He understood;  he must have.

 “This is outrageous! That one of our own is the daughter f someone that loyal to the empire.” A man with ridicules high pitched voice spoke and Jyn narrowed her eyes at him. More people joined in, shouting things like _traitor, imperial scum and backstabbing worm_. Jyn clenched her jaw and did her best at not shouting back at them. She let out a deep breath and looked to Mothma, who simply gave her a small smile. For a couple of minutes the accusations raged on and Jyn didn’t get a chance to defend herself before Mothma’s crystal voice rang clear and loud.

 “Quite down everyone.” Within seconds the room became as quite as a tomb, but all the angry eyes were still on her. Her eyes flickered to Cassians, seeking some kind of comfort and then back to Mothma.

 “This meeting was not called so that the fellow members of the council could blame our own.” Mothmas voice was calm but Jyn recognised the annoyance in it.  A few eyes fell to the floor and some muttered something like _sure it wasn’t._

 It took less than a minute before one member of the council spoke with despise in his voice.

“Forgive me Senator, but I have to disagree with you.” The room was silent, filled with such tension that it felt like the room was going to run out of air. Jyn looked the man in his eyes, there was no sympathy or kindness, only a hate that seemed to grow stronger by the second.

 “This _woman_ clearly have ties to the empire, and after how much it have taken for us to get her, I am not willing to risk it all, defiantly not on _her._ ” To her credit Jyn didn’t flinch, why should she really? This was what she had expected. Outwards she remained the ever same Jyn Erso, the same person that had been here for them, put her life at risk for their cause for the past year and a half.  It was only on the inside she was crumbling to dust.

 “My past should have little to do with this meeting.” She said, surprised at the strength of her voice. The man laughed at her, earning a few disapproving looks form the other members.

“Your past have everything to do with this girl.” She narrowed her eyes, she didn’t like the tone of his voice; he sounded too secure.

 “It’s who raised us who makes us into the person we become; it’s with them our alliance lie.” He had begun walking around the mass, his treacherous eyes locked with her. He stopped next to Mothma and Cassian.

“It’s our past that defines us Ms Erso. So prey, tell me that you do not care for the man that raised you that you wouldn’t want to meet _Galen Erso_ again.” She flinched this time, it was that name, it sent a shiver of panic down her spine. “Tell me you haven’t contacted him, leaked information, sent him repo…”

“Lieutenant Satizes!” Mothmas voice was no longer clam nor did it a good job hiding the anger in it. Her eyes spoke even louder than her words; she was not pleased.

“I thought I made myself clear that that kind of behaviour will not be tolerated.” The man bowed his head in and muttered something Jyn couldn’t catch. But the next part she did.

“Just as well, a daughter of that coward couldn’t stand up for herself even if she wanted.”

 That was when Jyn lost it. Moving as quickly the mass allowed her she made her way over the arrogant man, her truncheon in her hand. As she closed up on him he saw what she planned and grabbed it, tossing it aside, but Jyn didn’t care, her fist found his jaw. The sound of tissue and joints crushing put a smile on the young rebel. She heard the council gaps and thought that she could hear Cassian sigh.

 She parried the opponent's blow and grabbed his wrist, twisting it until he made an angry sound. That was when Mothma spoke with a low voice.

 “Captain Andor, would you please remove Sergeant Erso from this hearing.” Knowing that her time was running out Jyn punched harder, faster and as Cassian would say, sloppier. Before she knew it his arms where around her, pulling her away from the man that seemed to think he was _just that_ much better than her. She tried to resist, yelling out in anger, knowing it was useless, she had noting on Cassian when it came to raw strength.

 It wasn’t until he had dragged her out of the hearing room she realised what she had done. As his arms loosened their grip around her she turned to him, tears still wet on her face and an expression on her face she knew was unreadable. He clenched his jaw and started to walk towards their bunk, she followed.

 “Did you have to do that?” He asked when she came up beside him. She shook her head.

“No but it made me feel better.” Cassian stopped and turned to her, his expression saying everything.

“I’m sorry.”  He took her hand, the contact made her skin itch. In fear of what she could say if she opened her moth Jyn remained silent, giving his hand a small squeeze.

 

In silence they continued to walk further down, her temper subsiding a little. Their joined bunk was as usual, a little too small. She let herself be pulled down beside him, his arm tightly wrapped around her.

“They are right aren’t they?” She whispered, doubt spreading its poison though her body. Jyn felt Cassian go stiff against her.

“What are you saying Jyn?” She refused to look at him, the look on his face when the millisecond of doubt had played over it burned into her mind. He seemed to get the picture.

“They are a bunch of superstitious bastards that only think one way, all other way are unnatural.” She didn’t let him finish, her hand pressing against his lips.

“Stop.” She looked into his eyes, the brown colour thawing her blackened heart.

“Just don’t.”  She added his   question shone through his sadden gaze. He took her hand of his face, cradling it, soothing her.

“Don’t what?”  Jyn swallowed, pushing back the tears that threatened.

It pained her knowing just how much he had changed since she first meet him, how much he had changed for her.

“Don’t talk like that about your people.” She said, knowing that she wasn’t exactly convincing with her broken voice and silent tears. His lips twitched as if he were to smile.

“The moment they start accusing you like that they no longer need to be included in this rebellion.” He leaned in, his lips brushing against her neck. Gently she shook her head, her hands trying to push him away.

“This isn’t right Cassian.” She murmured, unable to speak any louder, his lips causing her heart to flutter.

“I know, you are wearing too much clothes.” She almost laughed, almost, and he caught it. He turned her face against him, pressing a kiss to her lips, pouring all the emotions he held in it. She caved and pressed back, her hand finding his collar, tugging at it, pulling him closer. The fire within her grew, and soon he was smiling against her lips. He broke the kiss, their lips nearly touching.

“There she is, the Jyn I’ve been sleeping with the past few months.”

“Shut up and kiss me Andor.” He was very much obliged to obey.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't understand how its possible for me to stall the plot as much as i do? If you want to scream at me, please do, for i'm really sorry.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so i am really, really REALLY sorry for the delay. I have no good excuse whatsoever and I just feel awful for this. gosh, over twenty days. Ugh. But I have NOT abandoned this, i promise you that.

The first assassination attempt had been unexpected, but in the end neither of them didn’t understand why they hadn’t seen it coming. They had been in the hangar, prepping the ship for flight when a smaller explosion had gone off, and of course it had been untraceable. Planted at Jyn’s unofficial working place next to Cassian’s ship there wasn’t really that much of a question of who it was meant for. All it took was observing Jyn for a day and they would found out just how much time she spent there. After that first time Cassian had told her to always carry at least one weapon with her at all times, an unnecessary comment really. She had been doing that for ages. 

Really she shouldn’t have been surprised, this kind of betrayal was all she ever had when she was with Saw and his rebels and even though the council made it out to be a big difference between the two groups, there really wasn’t. Both had the same goal, same aspirations and the same sacrifices.

 

And of course the common denominator, the no room for trust.

 

It hadn’t bothered her when she had been with Saw; there she never had any hopes of that. But here, where they all had expected her to fall in line, to _trust them_ , she had been naïve enough to believe that would earn her trust in return. Obviously she had been wrong.

 They hadn’t been able to pin the attempt on her life on anyone and they both knew it was a matter of time before someone would try again. Before someone would try to rid the rebel base of that _imperial scum_.

 

 “Won’t you just reconsider?” Cassian said as she packed her bag, determent to follow through with the mission. She shot him a glare.

“I’m not going to be scared of that easily Cassian and they need to know that.” She heard him sigh behind her, he was still sitting on the bed; half dressed.

“I didn’t say scared off did i?” Jyn huffed.

“You didn’t need to. It was implied.” Her temper was rising; her packing became more aggravated, her movements jerkier and her heartbeat raced. _Damn this rebellion._ Arms came around her waist, pressing her closer to his bare chest. For a second she thought about fighting against it, but realised that she needed this, even though she had spent the entire night in his arms. Taking a deep breath she sank deeper into his embrace, allowing herself this luxurious moment of peace.

“We can go away, just for a couple of weeks, until it clams down.” He whispered in her ear and Jyn frowned, turning in his arms. Her hands went to his neck and her eyes found his, his only spoke of pure honesty.

“You know we can’t do that.” As the words left her lips a smile tugged on his.

“What’s this? Have Jyn Erso begun to follow protocol?” He said as he leaned down, leaving a trail of kisses along her jaw and neck. _Damn that man was distracting without a shirt_ she thought as heard herself moan at the touch of his lips.

“Cassian…” Her voice was a combination of pleasured and annoyed. His laughter spread chills across her skin. She was just about to protest when his lips crashed against her own, forcing her to forget what she was going to say. His arms tightened around her waist and before she knew it he had lifted her up, her body pressed tightly against his. Her arms came around his neck and her legs wrapped around his torso, giving her the opportunity to deepen in the kiss. It was raw and filled with so much emotions, much like the kisses and touches had been last night. An assassination attempt does things like that. When he pulled back she tried to catch his lips in another kiss, but his grinning made it difficult. She frowned at him, still wrapped around his body like a teddy bear.

“Will you at least think about it?” He asked, knowing that she knew what he meant, even though she wanted to pretend that she didn’t. As her eyes fell between them she nodded, knowing that he believed that as much as she did. He sighed and pressed a kiss under her jaw, muttering her name against her skin. They remain like that for an uncertain amount of time, neither feeling the need to move.

 

The second time both saw it coming, it wasn’t that hard. A man with his face hidden behind a mask came running towards her with a blaster aimed at her didn’t exactly scream friendliness. To Cassian’s great dismay both of them reacted a second to slow and Jyn was the one to pay the price.

The blaster hit her lower abdomen, tearing a hole in her skin and leaving her breathless. She had been shot before, but much like the betrayal form the alliance stung worse than the one from Saw’s rebels, so did this wound. Panic erupted in the hangar as soon as the blaster had gone off. Jyn had trouble standing up straight until Cassian came to her side, comforting her enough for her to be able to walk, or limp away. Vaguely aware of that someone had tackled the man that had shot her behind them; Jyn focused on the entrance the needed to get to get to the medic. Before they could make their way over there Kay stopped them and ignoring Jyn’s protest the droid lifted her up and held her like a child, walking towards the medic. Slipping in and out of conciseness she hears Cassian and Kay argue about what happened and how badly she was hurt. She could most clearly make out Kay saying _don’t be silly Cassian, she merely has a hole through her pancreas, she will be fine._ If she’d remembered she would try to punch him for that later. But before she could think anything more it blackened before her eyes and the last thing she heard was Cassian calling her name.

 

* * *

 

Cassian had gone on countless missions and he wasn’t a stranger to things going sideways, to having to make the tough decision. He didn’t even want to think about how many lives he was held accountable for and lost, and in the end he didn’t need to. It hadn’t bother him. But the attempts on Jyn’s life did. Now at the side of her bed, he cursed himself for not being faster. Sure, the bacta tank had done it work and she would heal, probably without much scaring. But this time it had been too close, and she still hadn’t woken up. Cassian had prided himself with not being the sentimental type, that he didn’t let things get to him. Right now that was a lie. He had been a wreck, and Kay had done little to improve that status, going on and on about Jyns injury and the statically possibilities he foresaw. The medical droid had given her something that would wake her up, as they apparently saw it fit now, but it worked slowly, too slow. He could see her stir, but it was as if a dream. Her eyes fluttered and then remained closed, soon after she took a deep breath. He clenched his jaw and let his head fall into his hands. Focusing in her breathing, he claimed his racing heart. He listened to her chest rise and fall, the steady beating of the machine that told him that _she in fact was fine_. He wanted to believe that, he needed to believe that.

 Cassian almost jumped out of the char as a hand laid on his, a weak but very much alive hand. His reaction earned him a laughter that rang so beautifully in his ears. _She was awake._

 “Jyn…” He got out, unsure of what to say, sitting down again. Her hand trapped between his. Her eyes were tried but he could still see that fire burning there. She gave him a faint smile to which he responded with squeezing her hand a little tighter.

 “How long was I out for?” the rebels voice was raspy and harsh, but not weak, Cassian had a feeling it would take more than an assassination to make her voice go weak.

 “About two days.” Her eyes grew wider and immediately tried to get out of bed.

“Oh no you don’t” Cassian said as he promptly stood up and pressed her down again. He received a glare from the brown haired girl but felt her body go soft against his hands, relaxing into the bed.

“I can’t stay here any longer Cassian.” She muttered, her eyes still locked with his. His eyes narrowed and he sat down beside her on the bed, his hand grabbing hers.

 “You got shoot through your stomach, you should be happy your even alive.” She lifted her eyebrow in an unimpressed look.

“Both you and I know I never where in any danger.” She heard him mutter something like _I beg to differ_ but ignored it and continued.

“That shot was nothing a little bacta treatment couldn’t fix and you know it.” _Even so every time you flinched a part of me feared the worst._ He remained silent, his jaw clenched and eyes avoiding Jyns.

He saw her try to get up again so he crawled up beside her and locked her wrist in a tight grip. As Kay probably would say, Cassian had something of a death wish.

“Why are you doing this?” He flashed her a smile, which only made her bitter look grow even deeper.

“I’ll handcuff you to this bed if that is what I need to do to get you to rest.” As soon as the words had left his lips he saw the change in her face, now she wasn’t just a Jyn needing to get out of this bed. Now she was the Jyn he knew he rarely could resist.

“Is that so _Captain?_ ” She purred, licking her lips. Cassian bit back a smile, his eyes locked with hers.

“I could think of much more fun ways to use those handcuffs you’re talking about.” As she began to heave herself up in a half sitting position, leaning over Cassian, she flinched. He released her wrists and brought his hand sot her face, letting her lean into him. Her eyes gleamed with victory and success. _Really Jyn, y_ _ou thought it was going to be that easy?_ He thought as his lips brushed against hers and oh god he had missed this. Her playfulness, her will do get what she wants and above all, the way she always made his heart melt into a puddle of much. Before her he had been a respected spy, now he was more like the horny teenager he never had the chance to be.

 He let himself get lost in the kiss, just for a few seconds before he with one swift and _careful_ motion flipped her over on her back and again _carefully_ pinned her to the bed. He couldn’t help but laughing as she hit him repeatedly on his chest in protest.

“No, you weren’t supposed to do that.” She groaned, but her voice trailed of as he began to kiss her neck.

 Much to Jyn’s dismay Cassian stopped far too soon and pulled back with a grin on his face.

 “What’s the matter Jyn? Hope for more?” He said when he saw the look on her face.

“You are a terrible person Captain Andor and I hate you.” He smiled, slumping down beside her in the bed that technically was to narrow for them both. He took her hand and kissed it.

“And you sergeant Erso, are a terrible liar.”

 

And that was how the standardise medical droid found the two rebels, both holding onto echoer and with smiles plastered on their restful faces. Making a few short notes the droid diapered again, leaving the two sleeping soundly beside each other, and Cassian sleep better than he had in a long time, knowing that tonight Jyn was safe. Of course, if he would ever say something like that to her he would earn a punch to the guts and a burning slap.

 

* * *

 

The following morning Jyn woke with a stabbing feeling to her lower abdomen and the peaceful sound of Cassian’s breathing. She wanted to stay like just a little longer, but the pain did nothing but making the peaceful morning unbearable. As she began to sit up to see if there was a droid that could give her something Cassian stirred beside her. For a second or two he had a disoriented look on his face but it was quickly replaced with the face of a soldier and a spy.

“What are you doing?” He asked, trying to push her down again, but she wouldn’t fold this time. She lifted his hands of her and swung her legs over the bed. The motion made her head spin but she ignored it.

“I’m getting out of her and then om finding someone that will clear me for duty.” She said, trying to sand up, but was stopped. Of course she was.   
“Please let me go Cassian.” She said, avoiding his gaze, knowing he would see through her.

“Not until you tell me how you feel.” She huffed and looked up.

“I’m fine.” His lips twitched as he leaned closer to her, and Jyn knew she had lost before she even had taken up the fight.

“The hell you are.” She rolled her eyes at him, taking hold of his collar to push him away. He straightened up and stepped once again closer as she stood up. He reached out a hand, which she took. Jyn wasn’t an idiot, she knew her body would be weak.

“Let me get dressed in normal clothes and I’ll be a little bit better.” She felt the air escape him as he gave a deep sigh.

“Jyn…” he groaned. She just shook her head at him.

“I’m not staying in that bed any longer Cassian.” She said as she moved over to the counter, on were someone, Cassian, had left clothes for her.  She pulled on one garment at the time, and with each her strength grew. Completely ignoring Cassian s protests she moved towards the door but stopped as the tone of his voice changed. It wasn’t annoyed or even angry, it actually sounded amused. She turned to him, with the reminder of a smile on her lips.

“What?” Instead of answering he tossed her a rattling canister. As she began to read what it was he came up to her, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“Something to help with the pain.” She smiled and looked up at him.

“What pain.” She mumbled before she kissed him again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It had taken Cassian three weeks and two more attempts on her life to convince Jyn to leave the base. They had gone on one mission since she had been shot in the hanger. The mission I itself had been harmless, but the second they arrived back, she had been targeted. It was then she had agreed to do as he had suggested. Mothma had agreed that it might be a good idea for them to take some distance from the rebellion, to let this whole thing cool of for a couple of weeks. So they did. He, Jyn and Kaytu went on a search for more recruits, leads on the empire, anything that could help the rebellion.

 

He had thought it might get boring, that he’d go crazy with so little to do, all the hours traveling across the galaxy, but in reality, he loved it. He realised that these moments, the quiet ones, they would be the one he would remember. Well, that is if he would live long enough to be able to remember thing like this. And with the amount of trouble Jyn was causing when they were on the ground, he doubted that very much.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a shorter update. Hopefully I'll have another part posted tomorrow, that is if nothing else in my life blows up. But heey, here's to hoping. I also wanted to say that I appreciate beyond words the feedback i get for you guys. Every kudos and comment mean the world to me, so thanks guys!
> 
> This chapter stets about two weeks after the last

“Jyn!” Cassian whispered as loud as he dared. The lead they had followed up had indeed proven to be not only valid but very up to date. When the had arrived on the system that seemed too far away from everything even the air had been calmer. But of course as everything else, that was an illusion. Somehow she had seen something that he had missed, a trail only Saw and his men could spot and she had run off. Of course she had. And that left Cassian all alone on a dark sewer with water up to his knees. He would make her pay later for that, assuming that he’d find her. Because as much as Cassian wanted to claim that he had a good sense of knowing which way to go he couldn't deny that all the times he had gotten them lost on  a mission spoke in contrast to that.

His wading through the water echoed throughout the tunnels and he no longer could hear Jyn’s steps. _Either Saw found her or she him._ Cassian very much preferred the later. He took left were the tunnel split, following the hunch he had been trained to not follow since he was six years old.  The dark air was broken with a single stripe of light flooding through the sealing. Cassian waded closer, not paying enough attention to his surroundings, once again disrespecting all what he had been thought since he was but a child.

As he leaned up to grip the bars that separated him from the world above he heard what he should have seen long before. A person charging against him. He barely had the time to register what happened before he was pushed down under the water. Blindly he tried to reach for his gun, but a blow to his lower back cut him off. Strong fingers found their way around his neck as his lungs keep fighting for air. Cassian felt a twig of victory when his foot hit what he could only assume was the person’s ankle and the grip around his neck loosened enough for him to push back and up to the surface. Drawing a deep breath, he tried to get a good look at the man attacking him, but his wet hair and came in the way and before he could do anything about the man charged again. Only this time Cassian was prepared.  He parred the punch, grabbing the wrist and twisted it until he heard a scream and felt the ligaments rip. He spun around, serving a blow to the man’s vocal cords, knowing the effect. Cassian prepared to knock the man unconscious when the sound of a blaster going of stopped him. For a second he thought the beam had hit him, but then the man in front of him fell with head first down in the water. The wound of the blaster left a gaping hole in the man ‘s shoulder. He put out his hands to show that he was unarmed, unsure of whether it was a friend or foe behind him.

“I see you found Saw’s man.” Jyn’s words echoed against the cold walls and Cassian turned with a smile. He couldn’t help but to do a courtesy as his smirk grew.

“Ah my lady, ever my knight in shining armour.” He didn’t miss the gleam in her eyes as she moved closer, pulling him to her.

“Don’t you dare forget that.” She whispered before her mouth crashed down on his, kissing him as if there was no tomorrow and no cause to worry. If he was honest, when he was with her, there was little that worried him. Something that Kay found extremely controversial since by his calculations endangered the missions with nearly 67%. Of course in turn Jyn would give a snarky comment or on a particular bad day; Shoot him somewhere she knew it wouldn’t hurt him. At least somewhere where it would hurt him _too much._

He broke the kiss with a deep breath for air, but didn’t draw away too far. Her eyes were closed and a small smiled was placed on her lips.

“You’re wet.”  Jyn mumbled as her hands dragged over his chest. He chuckled in response and pressed another kiss on her lips.

“That tend to happen when someone tries to drown you.” She pulled back a little further, no worry whatsoever on her face. She knew better than to worry about the past.

“Let get out of here.” Cassian nodded and stepped back and opened the lever he planned to before the attack.  He turned to Jyn and gave her a meaning glance.

As if practised she ran towards him, jumped and with help of Cassian got a good grip to pull herself out of the sewer. He watched her feet disappear up above and then how her hands reached down to help him up. She pulled him up as if there was nothing more to it, even though her physique didn’t exactly speak in her favour.

The light should’ve blinded him, but he only saw Jyn and her eyes sparkling like a thousand stars. Like _stardust_. It wasn’t until her laughter rang through the square they now laid on he woke from his thoughts.  He stood up and pulled a giggling Jyn with him, giving her a glare he knew wasn’t that intimidating.

“Why are you laughing.” She flashed him a smile and pulled him with her, towards what he assumed was the direction of the ship.

“You are wet from top to toe and smell of sewer.” Cassian frowned deeper which only made her giggles grow. She pressed a quick kiss to his check before she continued.

“I think this is the first time I’ve ever felt like the more attractive one.” With a smile Cassian’s eyes fell to the ground before he pulled her back to him, spinning her until she was tightly pressed against his body. With his lips on hers he backer them into the wall behind her.

He pulled back.

“Well we simply can’t have that.” She gave him a questioning look. “I have a reputation to maintain Jyn.” Before she could say anything he speared whatever he had on his hands on her face ignoring the protests from the girl that had taken his heart.

When he was pleased with his work he took a step back, and bit back a laughter.

 

_If looks could kill…_

 

* * *

 

As Jyn dragged a very wet and smelly Cassian behind her, she couldn’t help but noticing the presence of her old mentor. He was everywhere. In the stones beneath her soles, in the walls beside her and most of all, in the air, speeding his message.

 “What happened to you?” She glanced back to Cassian, knowing exactly what he meant. She remained silent for a while, thinking about what to answer. There was only that much he needed to know. For example, he needed to know that they indeed had found the system where Saw was hiding. He didn’t however need to know that Saw had pulled her aside in the tunnels, threatening to end Cassian’s life if they didn’t leave. She’d believed him, of course she had. She wasn’t an idiot. The only problem was that she had been to slow, when she had found Cassian again in the underground network Saw already had given the order. It was pure luck that Cassin made it.

The man she had killed to save him, she knew him. She had trained with him, practically grown up with him. _Is this what the rebellion have turned me into? A puppet that will kill even the ones that once were that close to me?_

“I thought I saw a trail that could lead us to Saw.” She said, continuing towards the ship where they had left Kay.

“And did you?”  She huffed.

“I know he is here, if that’s what you’re asking.” She knew better than to turn back to Cassian. Even if what she was saying wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t the truth either and there was no way that would slip by him. Nothing ever did.

He could push for the absolute truth, but he didn’t. She found herself almost wishing that he would call her out on it. Almost.

 

-

 

“KAY!” Jyn called as they stepped on-board, knowing full well that he would have heard her even if she had spoken in a normal tone.

“I can hear you without the yelling Jyn Erso.” The dry voice replied. She gave the chuckling Cassian a smile before closing the ramp behind them.

“I assume the mission was a complete disaster Captain?” Kay said as he turned to Cassian. Jyn sat down and pulled of her drenched boots and glanced up to the two of them.

“Your faith in us is all we ever need to successes Kay.” He said as he gave his metal friend a clap on the chest plates.

“I’m going to take a shower, then we can report back to Echo Base.” He said, disappearing into their bunk. Jyn stood up and pulled of her jacket and left it on the bench behind her.

“And where do you think you’re going?” Kay asked as she walked towards where Cassian had gone. Jyn gave a deep sigh and turned to the droid.

“I’m going to take a shower Kay; do you have a problem with that?”

“Cassian is going to take a shower.” Jyn rolled her eyes.

“Yes, and I’m going to help him.” She walked towards the bunk and before she closed the door she heard the droid mutter in a low voice.

“I do not see why Captain would need any help with something as simple as showering.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back. I'm actually on loss of words due to your feedback and support. Thank you all so much. Its been really rough this past month, more so due to so much in my life collapsing after i had to put down my horse. So its been rough, and I've not been able to work with this piece for some reason. But now I'm back, more than a month later.

“Should we go back now?” Jyn asked as her fingers trailed the scar on his ribs. His arm around her waist tightened and he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.

“Why should we do that?” He mumbled into her hair and Jyn felt her lips twitch into a smile.

“Because we found Saw.” She said and felt how Cassian tensed.

“About that…” He said and she looked up to meet his eyes.

“You never told me what happened.” She pressed herself up so the she got a better look at him.

“That’s because there is nothing to tell.” Cassian lifted an eyebrow, and she sighed.

“I doubt that Jyn.” She narrowed her eyes at him and took his hand into hers.

“Nothing of importance and nothing we will bring before the council.” Cassian sat up, his body now pressed against hers again. He cupped her face, his eyes searching for the pain she knew she couldn’t mask.

“You can tell me.”  Jyn closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. If they could stay like this, all would be good. Perhaps no one would notice if they were to disappear.

“I know I can, but this isn’t something I want to talk about.” Before he could begin to protest again, she captured his lips in a kiss, shutting him up for now. But Cassian wasn’t a fool and she knew he would press on the matter as soon as he got the chance. He pulled back with a frown.

“Jyn…” She shook her head.

“Not now Cassian.” He nodded and watch her climb out of his lap. As Jyn began to dress herself he took her arm and she looked up.

“But promise me you will tell me.” It took her a second, not because she didn’t trust Cassian. She trusted Cassian with her life, but this had hit too close, it was still too fresh. She nodded and Cassian climbed out of their tiny bed, wrapping her in his arms. She rested her head in the crock of his neck, allowing her this clam moment, for she suspected there wouldn’t be many of those in the nearest future.

“Then I think we should go back.” He said and Jyn could do nothing but to close her eyes and remain silent. They had to report back, she knew that, that’s why she had brought it up. IT was just that these two weeks had been perfect, despite all the things that had gone sideways. Back at the base she knew trouble laid, and it came in the form of betrayal.

 

 -

 

As Cassian took his place beside Kay and they started their journey back to Yavin IV Jyn leaned back and closed her eyes, her former mentor words echoing thought her head. 

_You shouldn’t be here Jyn._ She hadn’t expected a warm welcome when they find Saw, but she hadn’t expected those words, she hadn’t expected to be turned away. She had tried to talk to him, tried to explain that the rebellion despite all its flaws would be a powerful ally to him and that this whole thing with breaking of from them was wrong. But he hadn’t listened, of course he hadn’t. These two year with the rebellion had made Jyn forget things like that, how stubborn Saw was, of far he would go to achieve what he thought was right. So perhaps it wasn’t that wrong of the rebellion to call Saw Gerrera an extremist. She rubbed her side, where she knew that a colourful bruise was beginning to show. If she was in luck, there wouldn’t be any damage on her ribs, but considering the blow she had gotten there, she wouldn’t be surprised if she had broken one or two.  

What had hurt the most was the look he had given her, the look as if she had betrayed him. As if it had been her that had left him. Right now, Jyn didn’t know what and how to feel. Both places she had wanted to call home, had turned on her, and the only thing she had left was Cassian. And Kay, but there wasn’t any way she was going to admit that he mattered to her, she would never give him that satisfaction.  

It sacred her, now that her feelings began to set. She had never been in love before, and now she knew she couldn’t live without him. Of course, she is a spy, she knows how to disconnect herself from personal matters and work, but what she was feeling now was new. Jyn knew that Cassian was the biggest weakness and she felt naked. All it took was spending a few minutes with them, and they would figure it out, and they could and probably would use that against her. She had been through too much to believe in false hope that that would never be used. She looked up to the cockpit and listed to the distant chatter form the two pilots. The ship’s low humming was soothing and all too soon Jyn fell into a deep sleep.

 

 

 

Yavin IV three days later

 

Jynwoke with the feeling of being boiled alive. Cassian’s arm and upper body was draped over her, his face nestled in the crock of her neck. His breath was heavy with sleep and Jyn smiled. They had been gone form Yavin IV almost two weeks, scouting so it had been quite a pleasant experience to arrive back _home,_ despite all that happened before they left _._ She pushed back a few strands of his hair that constantly keep falling in Cassian’s eyes. She knew he used to watch her when she was asleep as well, he claimed she looked so peaceful then and that it was the only time he was certain that she wouldn’t’ kick his ass, to which Jyn of course always responded with a not so gentle punch to ribs. But she had to admit that he was right, he as well look at peace when he was asleep. The last couple of months hadn’t been fun for anyone. More spies than they thought had been possible had been revealed within the rebellion and of course Jyn had been a main suspect. After weeks of interrogations from different generals and superiors, fights with rebels that thought they themselves would get rid of _the imperial scum_ Mon Mothma had suggested that they should take a time off, to go out on missions, which lead to them scouting for two weeks. It had been two calm weeks, but Jyn knew that Cassian still felt a lot of anger towards the rebellion for besmirch Jyn like that. She really didn’t care that much, it wasn’t like she wasn’t used to people not trusting her, but she had hoped that here they would. Apparently it was too much to ask for.  She sighed and closed her eyes with her hand nestled in Cassian’s hair.

“I can hear you thinking.” He muttered against her neck, his eyes still closed. She smiled and pressed a kiss to his hair.

“Thinking is good Cass, you should try it sometime.”  He pinched her in the side as a reply. A yelp escaped her lips but it transformed into a quiet moan as he began to kiss that spot on her neck that made her knees go week.

“ _Cassian…_ ” Her voice was but a breath as he made his way up to her lips, leaving marks on her neck, claiming her as his own. She tugged his hair, pulling him up to her, their lips crashing into each other’s. The kiss is raw and filled with far too much heat for an early morning like this, but neither seemed to mind, both where suddenly wide awake. Cassian’s hand found her breast and Jyn gasped. After last night _thorough_ treatment they were still sore and Cassian noticed. With a smug smile he flicked her nipple and she cried out in pleasure. His other hand travelled further down until he found her dripping core. Both where panting, their lips almost touching, but not quite. He slipped a finger into her and she arched against his hand. The darn man had the nerve to laugh.

“Cassian I swear to god if you don’t finish what you’ve sta…” Jyns voice turned into a soft moan as he pushed in another digit, pumping his fingers in and out. With rapid breath she catches him in a kiss filled with so much emotion and lust she felt Cassian melt into it. She was reaching her peak as she grabbed the sheets beneath her.

“Oh god…” She got out as she was but a few seconds form tumbling down, when …

“Captain? Are you in there?” Neither Jyn nor Cassian could help laughing at K-2’s voice, so perfectly ruin the moment.

“Maybe he’ll think we aren’t here if we don’t answer.” He whispered against her lips, his fingers moving slightly inside of her. She smiled and kissed his chin.

“That will only result in him barging in to look for anything he can use as leverage against me.” She laid her hands on his chest and pushed him away, whimpering as he pulled out his fingers. He chuckled and Jyn could only assume it was due to her expression as she did nothing to hide her disappointment. Before rolling of her, he placed a string of kisses along her jaw, making Jyn’s heart flutter.

“He’s here to accompany us to the briefing.” Jyn sat up and threw her legs over the bed, joining Cassian who sat in a similar position and kissed his neck, determent to leave a mark there, just as he had done with him.

“You aren’t making it any easier to leave the bed Jyn.” He groaned. She laughed against his neck and then leaned back, content with her work. She gave him a pat on his shoulder and stood up.

“I do think we have tome to shower first, and by the look of it, you are in need of a cold one _Captain._ ” Jyn made her way to the bathroom and heard him follow her.

“We’re coming Kaytu, just give me five minutes to shower and we’ll be right out.”  Cassian called thru the door. Jyn could have sworn she heard Kay mutter _“I find that answer very vague and unconvincing.”_ She smiled and stepped into the shower, the water was freezing, but she didn’t care, it probably was rather good for her.

“I think Kay can wait a little more than five minutes.” Cassian said as he stepped up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. Jyn turned around with a smile and laid her arms around his neck, pushing herself up to his lips.

“I think you’re right.”

 

_

 

When they exited their bunk a good thirty minutes later with their hair wet and smiles plastered on their faces, they found a rather unamused Kaytu.

“I don’t see who that was anything near _five minutes_ Cassian.” The droid said and began to walk towards the briefing room. They didn’t join their hands, but as they walked as close as possible without it being absurd, they almost meet.

As they entered the room they found the council members waiting for them and most of them seemed to have been there for a while, their faces telling them everything they needed to know. Beside her Jyn could feel how Cassian transformed into the good captain he was to rebellion.

“I’m sorry we’re late, cadet Erso and myself where attained in other business.” Mon Mothma nodded friendly whilst the rest of them seemed somewhat uninterested in that information. Jyn didn’t really blame them. She was rather sure that most in here knew about her and Cassian so it shouldn’t be that hard for them to put together two with two.

“That’s alright; you’re here now aren’t you.” Both she and Cassian nodded.

“Then let’s start from the beginning, Captain Andor, you are familiar with the drill. Start with which system you first scouted and if you did run into any troubles, in that case tell us what and how you solved it…” General Draven continued the briefing and Jyn felt her mind wander. They had talked about it in advance, Cassian would handle this. Not only because he had done it before, but since the council still had a hard time trusting Jyn they agreed on that Cassian would receive less questions.

They were right. Not once did the council stop him and ask about the system and whether what Cassian was telling was the truth or not. In his defense most was the utterly truth, but as Cassian had told her _, lies slip thru everywhere why should the council be spared?_

“Sergeant Erso?” Jyn snapped awake from her thoughts. Draven was looking directly at her.

“Yes sir?”

“Do you agree with Captain Andor’s report? Is there anything he left out that you’d like to add?” OF course he asked her.

“Other than the long and boring flights between the systems Andor have told you the journey as I recall it.” General Draven nodded and turned to the rest of the council.

“Well then, I see no reason why we should detain these two any longer.” They rest of them nodded and some made their way out of there, probably late to some other meeting due to hers and Cassian’s late arrival. Jyn began to walk to the door as she heard Draven call out Cassian’s name. Her eyes found his and they share a look as if to say _what did he find out this time?_ He waved to her that she should go, so that she did. But not without a nagging feeling in her gut that this probably didn’t bode well.

 

_

 

Cassian stood still opposite General Draven as they waited for the rest of the people to leave the room, which did nothing to soothe his nerves. If whatever the general wanted to talk to him about needed to be spoken in private; the odds of it being something pleasant weren’t that good.

The last person left and shut the door.

“Please, sit.” Draven gesture to the chair and sat down in on opposite that one.

“What is this about general?” Cassian asked before Draven could say anything, feeling the need to at least say something correct before they’d tumble down this rabbit hole. Draven sighed.

“I always liked that about you Cassian, you didn’t’ wait or sugar-coat things. You said as it was and there was nothing more to it.” Cassian nodded, there was more to this.

“But lately things have not been ideal and I fear the rebellion is losing its best Captain and intelligence officer.” Cassian frowned, this defiantly didn’t bode well.

“What do you mean?”  Draven cleared his throat and meet Cassian’s eyes.

“To be frank, you’re not what you were two years ago Cassian. Look back two three years and you’d see a sergeant who chased the next lead, who did anything necessary to win this. There were no limits to your potential but now…” He was interrupted.

“Now there is.” Cassian knew where this was going. He shook his head; of course he knew that this would come.

“You think Jyn is the reason things are the way they are now, don’t you?” Draven’s face was unreadable and he remained silence for almost a minute, probably debating within himself how much he would tell Cassian. In the end it didn’t matter, Cassian already knew what demands that would be put on him.

“You are correct in assuming that.” Cassian clenched his jaw and took a shallow breath.

“ I have to disagree with you general. I do not see how Ms. Erso has anything to do with my behavior.” Draven huffed and stood up.

“Don’t play games Cassian, it doesn’t suit you. The two of you are as good at hiding your relationship as Kaytu is at comforting a crying child.” Cassian looked up and meet the now aggravated generals stare. Cassian stood up as well and crossed his arms across his chest.

“There is more to this than you just insulting us I assume?” Cassian spat out, feeling his temper rising. Draven nodded.

“Of course there is. You must choose Cassian and you must make that decision here and now.” Cassian frowned; this was not exactly what he had excepted.

“Choose between what exactly?” Draven smiled, but it was not a smile that in any way was comforting.

“Choose between the rebellion and Jyn Erso.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun DUN! no i honestly dont know anymore whats a cliffhanger and whats not. I just felt like being a little mean and ending it there. Also heads up, a lot of angst is heading this way


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually had a hard time figuring out where i should divide the chapters, so this one is a bit shorter, but I think, i think, this is good enough
> 
> also, this was one of the first things i wrote in this story, and its been a while, so I don't know how i feel about it. well well, lets see if anyone wants to continue reading after this chapter

“What do you think they are talking about?” Jyn asked Kaytu, knowing full well that whatever answer she would get would be a depressing one, but she rather knowing than guessing. They sat on the hill just outside the base, much to Kay’s protests. He claimed, which Jyn knew to be a lie that the grass messed with his joints.

“Probably about the scouting mission.” Jyn frowned, had Kay not been in the briefing?

“But we already went over that.” The droid turned his head to her.

“No, you told them lies where as I told them the truth?” Jyn stood up in horror.

“What?!” Her heart was pacing and thousand different scenarios came flooding thru her mind, none of them good.

“I figured that you’d leave out _some_ of the encounters and failures we had during the two weeks we were away so I took the opportunity to tell them myself.” Jyn just stared at him in horror.

“What have you done Kaytu?”  The droid shrugged, _shrugged._

“What I thought to be right.” Jyn sighed as she draped her hand over her face. _“Oh Kay…”_   Jyn turned to the base where Cassian where and hoped that they’d somehow find their way out of this trouble as well. She flinched as Kay stood up and laid a hand on her shoulder.

“I think we should go inside Jyn, its getting cold.” Jyn bit back the tears that where forming n her eyes and nodded. 

 

* * *

 

 

Cassian could do nothing but stare at his superior. _What the bloody kriff?_

“What… Why?”

“Your reaction surprises me Cassian, really. I thought you to be smarter than this.” Cassian just shook his head and Draven sighed.

“If it had only been this mission your behavior had changed, I’d let it pass, but really Cassian, can you deny that you do not act the same. Your actions are no longer for the best of the rebellion, but that of Jyn Erso!” Cassian could still not find the right words, in the matter f seconds he might lose everything he has ever fought for and that thought scared him more than anything ever has.

“She has influenced you far greater than you’ve realized Cassian. Your missions are sloppy, they all involve mistakes even a rookie knows to avoid and from what Kaytu tells me it’s not getting better.” He held up a hand to stop Cassian from interrupting.

“I admit, Jyn Erso is a contribution to this alliance, but not in combination with you. In the beginning we all had high hopes. The training had spectacular progress but ever since we let the two of you roam around free it has all been downhill.”  He just shook his head, refusing to accept this.

“We have produced what we have been asked. Seldom has our missions failed, we work differe…”

“At what cost Cassian?” They question that cut him off left him silent, Cassian knew that he had been blinded and found within himself that the easiest way out of this probably was just to accept it.

“It can’t go on. You can’t show up thirty minutes late with hikes all over your neck.” Cassian’s hand instinctively went to his neck where Jyn had left her mark. “This is a rebellion, a rebellion which will not tolerate behaviour like this.” Cassian’s eyes fell to the floor, his heart hammering against his chest s hard even Draven must hear it.

Draven was waiting for an answer.

 

“Cassian, you must make a choice.” He lifted his gaze and gave the general a nod and left the room to find Jyn. They had something to talk

 

_

 

Cassian had no idea where she had gone after the briefing, but judging on how much sleep she had gotten last night, he’d probably find her in their, _his_ bunk.

 It turned out that he was wrong; on his way to their quarter he heard a familiar voice call his name. He swallowed to try to get rid of the lump in his throat, failing.

 “Jyn.” His voice was low but she heard him. With worry and joy in her eyes she ran up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, He lifted her in an embrace, holding her as close as humanly possible, one last time.

She laughed.

“Cassian, hey there are you trying to squeeze me to death?” She asked as he put her down, his hand on her chin. Of course she knew something was wrong, she knew him too well and he saw it in her eyes.

“Cassian what’s wrong?” He turned away his head, backing away a step.

“I’m sorry Jyn.” He said, as if that would cut it. She shook her head and grabbed hold of his chin, turning his head to hers. He didn’t want to look at her, to see all the beauty that he now has lost. He couldn’t stand the thought of living without her, even less the thought of hurting her. But he knew he had to, it was the only way. So he drew a deep breath and meet her eyes, this time his held annoyance and anger.

“Nothing Jyn, nothing that you would care about anyway.” She frowned and oh god, why did she have to be so beautiful?

“If it has something to do with you, I care. Of course I care.” Her voice already sounded hurt; there was a plea of understanding in it. Before he could say anything, she had taken his hand, holding it gently, giving him comfort he didn’t deserve.

“Tell me Cassian, help me understand.”  With a stern face he pushed away a loose strand of hair from her face and jerked back his hand she held. He saw how she desperately tried to understand.

“How can I make you understand if you don’t listen?” His voice was cold and harsh, so much more than he had intended it to be.

“How can I make you understand, you who never listens. Never!” He played out with his arms to illustrate his anger, hoping that his hands didn’t shake. Jyn opened her moth but no sound left her so he continued, hating himself for it.

“You don’t care about the rebellion or the cause. All this is a joke to you. You take nothing serious!” Cassian felt his temper playing along and damned himself for it. Her under lip was shaking.

“Please stop Cassian…This isn’t you.” Her voice was weak, broken. He stared into her eyes with anger.

“How would you know? You know nothing about me. You know nothing about anything.” Every word he said tasted like poison on his lips. “You are still a child, lost, just like when we found you. A misfit.” He circled her, his words taunting her, breaking her apart.

“ _Alone.”_ He whispered and she turned with fury in her eyes.

“STOP IT!” She yelled at him, her breath uneven and tears forming in her eyes. The look on her face was pure hurt and betrayal.

“How dare you? This isn’t you Cassian. You are not this kind of person and we both know it. You are kind, gentle loving person. You are not this… this…” Her voice broke as she gestured to him. He huffed and crossed his arms over his chest.

“You are wrong Jyn. This is who I am. I’m a murderer, a liar and a cheat. I _do_ horrible things and I don't care.” He paused and watched as tears flowed down her cheeks and winced. _No point in stopping now._

“So that’s it. You are just going to follow orders and be _a good rebel_? You might as well be a stormtrooper Cassian.” Her words stung, not only because there was truth to them, but because she knew that he was following someone’s order and he just accepted it. Apparently she must have thought it to be possible for him to do such a thing and that thought stung even worse.

“You are just a young girl with a crush; you don’t know what you’re talking about!” He spat out as he turned away, biting back tears. The words that left him burned his tongue, but he knew that Draven was right.

  
“I know that I love you!” Cassian closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. He wished she hadn’t said that, not during these circumstances, it just made everything so much messier. 

“I don’t love you.” He got out, tears threatening. He felt her hand on his shoulder, turning him towards her. Her hand was on his cheek and he fought the urge to lay his over hers.

“Look me into the eyes and say it and I will never speak of it again.” Cassian had no idea how much time passed before he opened his mouth again. Lost in her eyes, the tears that he had caused, he felt his heart break a little more every second.

“I don’t love you.” His voice was steady and cold and he didn’t even flinch despite he was breaking inside. Jyn’s face crumbled in pain and he wished nothing more than to hold her and tell the truth, that he had no choice, that they couldn’t possible have a relationship during this, tell her that he loved her with every fibre of his being. He wanted to kiss away the tears that streamed down her face and tell her that he loved her so much he couldn’t even put into words. In front of him she was fighting for words.

“So what, I was just… just a…” her words failed her as a sob broke her voice.

“A distraction and nothing more.” Jyn shook her head as she covered her mouth with her hand, her sobs rippling through her body.

“You’re lying; I know you are.” She got out through gritted teeth but Cassian remained unmoved, on the outside.  The inside of him was whole other story.

“Explain yourself!” she yelled at him as he said nothing. He leaned in and whisper. “I don’t have to.” And walked away, ignoring her calls after him and the feeling inside that made his knees go weak _._

_Perhaps one day we could make it._

_One day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *clears throat* I am, whats the word? Sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry.


	16. Chapter 16

As Cassian went back to their bunk to get his thing he lost the fight against the tears that now streamed down his face. As quick as he could he packed his things and wrote a note to her explaining that he left the bunk to her, he did not write that he was sorry or that all of this was a big mistake.

Standing in the door, about to leave his eyes fell upon the sweater that lay on their bed. It had been his, but the second Jyn had entered his life it had automatically become hers. It was old and torn, but did make a wonderful nightgown gown on her.

_“Am I ever getting that back?” He asked as Jyn exit the shower in his shirt. It wasn’t a special one, just an old worn with the rebellions sign on it. He moved the blankets as she crept down beside him and pressed a kiss to his lips._

_“Not bloody likely.” She said as she snuggled closer to him, her head above his steady beating heart. He wrapped an arm around her and placed a kiss on the top of her head, cherishing the moment._

If he had known how soon it would have ended, he would have cherished it more. As tears dripped down his cheeks and down on the letter. He whipped them angrily away. On top of the envelope he wrote her name, as if it could be anyone else it was meant for. He set it down on the table, looked around and sighed heavily.

As he stepped out of the place he had spent the last years he realized he didn’t care about it. The only thing he cared about he couldn’t. _The rebellion is more important than anyone of us._

The rebellion was what he should care about and with each step further away from the bunk it did more and more. At least that was what he convinced himself.

 

* * *

 

Jyn had sunken down on her knees as Cassian had walked away, tears dripping down and hands shaking. She knew he was put up to it but in the end it didn’t matter if it had been an order or not, he had followed it, chosen the alliance and she had to accept that. 

“Jyn?” The voice of their pilot Shara got thru her foggy mind. Jyn looked up with red eyes and found her friend with a worried look on her face.

“What’s wrong?” Shara slipped down beside her and pulled Jyn to her, holding her tight as Jyn began to sob again. The thing was that this wasn’t her, Jyn wasn’t the one to cry, hell she didn’t even cry when she saw her mother killed. Not then and not when she was abandoned, but now she cried. Damned be that man. Shara rubbed Jyn’s arm, comforting her friend but Jyn couldn’t help but to shake her head.

“You really don’t need to be here Shara. Go back to your husband.” Jyn got out in a low voice, her sob stifled a little but not completely. Shara shook her head.

“No way. Uh uh.” Jyn turned and gave her a stern look, well as stern she could through the tears and with red eyes.

“Tell me.” Jyn flinched, tears still dripping from her face.

“He broke it off.” Shara frowned, _good, then it isn’t just me who find it strange._

“But why?” When Jyn just looked at her, giving her a meaning look it fell into place.

“Draven.” Jyn closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the wall, ignoring the looks they got from the passing people.

“I really don’t see another explanation.” She said with tired voice. Her friend squeezed her hand.

“Oh Jyn, I’m sorry.”  _Yeah, so am I. Sorry I ever joined this rebellion._ Neither spoke, letting the air to fill with the sound of a busy rebellion, preparing for the worst.

“You can stay with us if you want.” Shara said after a while. Jyn opened her eyes, she hadn’t even thought about that. She and Cassian had shared bunk since day one. It was his bunk; of course she would be the one to move out.

“You would do that for me?”  She asked, her voice filed with doubt and warmth. Her friend huffed beside her.

“Of course Jyn. We’d do anything for our own.” Jyn gave a faint smile and looked down.

“Thank you.” Shara stood up and gave Jyn a hand up.

“Just know that Kes will question you about anything and everything.” Jyn meet her eyes and felt something she once could almost called hope.

“I’d expect nothing less.”

 

-

 

As Jyn slumped down on the spare bed Shara had offered she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. Her mind was too filled with nonsense and her heart to broken. To her horror, she found that tears began to flow again. Angry with herself and her stupid emotions she sat up and dried her eyes. _I’m better than this._ She stood up and retrieved the tabloid they had lent her, typing in his name, wondering to herself why she did this, whilst she in reality knew why.

 

_Cassian Andor returned home from another mission only to report utter non senses…_

_Captain Andor seen fighting with his crew member Jyn Erso…_

_Intelligence officer Cassian Andor seems to have lost his spark for the rebellion and causes more trouble than he solves…_

The articles went on. Jyn found it somehow ironic that during this war, the rebellion still had time for gossip and rumors. _Only this time it was true_. She stared at the picture in front of her, it was taken recently, before he shaved of that scrub she’d come to love. He looked happy, he was smiling and she remembered that day. They had been talking about Kay, not an uncommon topic between the two of them. Jyn always said that they should fix his flaws to which Cassian would only respond _what flaws?_ Right now it all seemed so pointless. What difference did they make? Did the rebellion really matter as much as she had been lead to believe the last couple of months? Tears still flowing she set the tablet aside, pulling her knees up to her, trying to regain some kind of feeling of safety. Like when he would pull her into his arms and whisper in her ear that he would be there for her.

 

Well that was a lie.

 

Somehow, she had fallen asleep and was jolted awake by a clattering from the kitchen. She sat up and meet Kes gaze.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” Her mind still half asleep she just shook her head.

“No that’s alright.” But as the words left her mouth she promptly stood up and rushed to the bathroom, dry heaving into the sink. _What?_ Jyn stared into the mirror, feeling hopeless. _This is the stress talking and nothing else._ She decided and exited the bathroom to find Shara at the table.

“Morning.”  Jyn nodded and grabbed her jacket, heading to the door.

“I’ll be back tonight.” She said as she opened the door, ignoring the calls from her friends. She needed to get away, away from this place and these persons and she knew who could help her with that.

With swift steps she ran to the room she thought Mothma to be in, she was in luck. The redhead sat at the desk and looked up as Jyn cleared her throat, slightly out of breath.

“Jyn, I wasn’t expecting you.” She said; the surprise in her voice genuine.  Jyn sat down in front of her.

“No, but I was hoping to have a moment with you.” Mothma nodded. “Of course, what is it?” Jyn took a deep breath, gathering her courage.

“I’d like to be reassigned.” When the woman in front of her frowned and looked as if she was about to object Jyn continued.

“Or to be sent on a mission that I can go on alone. Send me to Saw for all I care.” She paused, to go to Saw wasn’t really something she wanted to do, not even close, but the words had all slipped out in her desperation. Jyn knew that the rebellion was desperate to get through to him.

“I just want to get away from here. Alone.” The room was quiet, far too quiet for Jyn’s taste. Mothma put down the pen she had in her hand and crossed her hands.

“Can I ask why Jyn?” The concern in her voice surprised Jyn; she hadn’t thought that anyone would care about her, not Shara or Kes, defiantly not Mothma.

“What does it matter to you?  Can you spare me or not?” Jyn didn’t want to go into details. She didn’t even want to think of why she wanted to leave.

“Of course we can send you on a mission such as you described, but I’m worried Jyn. You just came back from such a one. What is it here that you despise that much?” Jyn shook her head, biting back the tears that where forming in her eyes.

“Just send me away. When, if I come back I’ll explain.” Jyn’s voice was thin and weak and she hated it. She hated how emotional she was and above all she hated the reason behind it. In front of her Mothma sat quiet, the only thing that was heard was their breathing. Then she took a deep breath and leaned forward.

“Okay Jyn. I’ll see to it that you’ll have the clearance for a mission to find and make what peace you can with Saw Gerrera.” Jyn let out a deep breath she didn’t knew she had held in.

“But on the condition that you’ll send reports very second week.” Mothma’s voice was stern and Jyn recognised it as the voice you didn’t mess with, the voice that was the last warning.

“Of course, whatever you like” She nodded and stood up as Mothma did.

“I’ll send for you when there is a transport to Dantooine.” Jyn nodded again, her heart hammering against her chest.

“Thank you.” She turned around and walked towards the door.

“But Jyn,” She turned to Mothma who had a sad expression on her face “I think its best that you talk to Cassian before you leave.” Jyn flinched and gave Mothma a look as if to say _you couldn’t have left it alone, could you?_

  

* * *

 

 

Cassian woke with a throbbing head and dry throat. _I knew that rum had been a bad idea_ he thought as he stood up, making his head spin. He grabbed the table in front of him for comfort and winced at the nauseating feeling that spread thru his body. _That rum was defiantly a bad idea._ As he made his was over to the sink he realized that he wasn’t in his bunk. _Of course I’m not. Draven gave me this last night._ He splashed water in his face and looked into the mirror, despising what he saw. He saw a man that ran from his troubles, a man who lacked all honor and deserved to rot in the dessert of Tatooine. He cursed silently at himself, at his actions.

As he quickly made his way down to the hanger determined to find Jyn, to try to give her an explanation, he felt a chill traveled down his spin.

 

* * *

 

 

As Jyn hurried down the corridor towards the hanger Mothma’s voice rang in her head. _Talk to Cassian_ , yeah well that wasn’t happening. She had taken the cowards road and given Shara a message to give to him.

The hangar was as usual full of life of the rebellion, of its spirit. She boarded the ship that would take her to Dantooine with a nod to the captain. Once inside, she leaned back against the wall with her eyes closed and pressed back a sob. Quietly tears ran down her cheeks. She wasn’t supposed to be like this, she wasn’t supposed to break this easily. She was strong, not this creature that could even say good bye to the man she loved. The ship fired up and she let out a shaky breath. Soon all of this would behind her. Soon the alliance and its lies would be nothing more than a distant dream. Soon Cassian would be nothing more than a forging name that would not cause tears in her eyes or the inability to speak.

Soon he would be nothing more than a memory.

 

Of course, that was what Jyn thought and in this case, she would be proven to be quite wrong.

 

-Two months later, Coruscant-

 

The smoke from a street fire stung in her eyes and burned in her throat. The man she was following had noticed her but had done nothing to shake her off. It was wrong. Neither Saw nor his band of crocks would hide here, in the busy streets of Coruscant. It was too public, even for Saw. She had been disappointed but not surprised to find that Saw had moved from the planet she and Cassian had found him on. Of course he would have.

“Watch yourself!” A man called after her as she had pushed pasted him. His voice warned about the anger he clearly felt towards Jyn. She just shrugged and turned her focus back to the crouching man she was following. He took a quick turn to the right, disappearing into an almost abandoned alley. She sighed; he was probably waiting on the other side of that corner, ready to plunge a dagger into her lungs or something equally pleasant.

As discreetly she could, she pulled out her trounces, preparing for the fight. The sound of metal against metal rang out in the alley, scaring away the last witnesses. Jyn hissed at the man that had charged at her. With a blow to his knees and one to his neck she had pushed her enemy to the ground and she prepared to knock him out completely as someone hit her from the back. She hissed in pain, moving out of the way to avoid further pain. As she turned to the new opponent she gulped, the man in front of her was probably twice her body size, and he looked like he was ready to kill. The man she just knocked to the ground stood up beside his partner and in a swift move they had reversed the tables. Jyn found herself on the ground with a blaster pressed above her racing heart. The large man grins. She didn’t even flinch.

“Who are you?” His voice was rough and filled with superiority. This man had climbed the ranks and held his place with pride. Jyn only knew one way to handle jackasses like him; she saw in his face.

“Screw you.” The man laughed and grabbed her satchel and threw it to his partner, the blaster still pressed against her chest, his finger resting on the trigger.  “See what you can find.” He said and she heard how the man emptied its content on the street. Her lips twitch, knowing that there was nothing in there that would give her away. But as soon as that thought had entered her mind a cold shiver went down her spine, she had something that only Saw and his crocks would recognize.

As the man pulled out what she could only assume was the file that she had gotten a few days earlier she silently cursed herself and her own foolishness.

“Kestrel Dawn?” The man as he read out loud. Jyn knew what he was reading silently, each word imprinted in her mind, haunting her sleep. _Positive. Pregnant._

Before she knew it, they had forced her into a sitting position and a bag had been draped over her head. She wanted to resist, but the needle pressed in her neck stopped that. Within seconds she was unconscious.

 

* * *

 

It was if he lived the same day over and over, day after day; the same. A new mission, new recruits, mission reports. Over and over again. Kay making rude remarks with his brutally honest answers and he would roll his eyes. 

Cassian had spent the first two weeks after Jyn’s departure with reprogramming the droid, making sure that his friend wouldn’t betray him like that again.

It had strung, the betrayal, not as much as Jyn leaving without as such as a word of course. Nothing hurt as much as Jyn. As Kay so gracefully pointed out every so often, Jyn leaving had increased his drinking habits with an alarming high number. But Cassian really didn’t care. He was the rebellions puppet now, he couldn’t care. He did what he was asked, nothing more, and nothing less. Draven wasn’t thrilled at his efforts, clearly he had expected more for him. Expected a man willing to die for the cause and the rebellion.

Cassian found himself outside the briefing room. As he entered he was meet by the newly elected senator Mothma’s kind eyes.

“Captain Andor, we have another mission for you…”

 

Another mission.

 

Another day.

 

On and on, until the days where spent.

 

* * *

 

 

When Jyn woke, she was on a ship, of course she was; they were taking her to Saw.

“Why do you go under the name Kestrel Dawn?” The question came from a voice that sounded familiar. Jyn didn't bother to turn her head to where she thought the voice came from, the bag over her head clouding her vision.

“I know you’re awake, Tiwik didn’t give you enough for you to be passed out any longer.” Jyn huffed, a very Saw like answer, no room for exceptions or singularities.

“Perhaps I just don’t want to answer.” She was rewarded with a laughter, yeah, she defiantly knew that voice; Maia.

“You really haven’t changed Jyn.” As the bag over her head was pulled off and she was blinded by light, Jyn laughed. The white light transformed into the interior of one of Saw’s scouting ships. It looked the same as it had two years ago. She looked over at her old partner in crime and felt a twig of relief that she was alive.

“Maia.” She said, unable to stop the smiled on her lips. The as the alliance put it _rebel extremist_ gave Jyn a smile as well.

“Jyn.” The air filled with silence and the mechanical humming of the landing ship suddenly rang with laughter.

 

Jyn was home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun story, there is not much to find about Maia. She is of course mentioned in the novelization, as one of the people Jyn asks for when they are captured by Saw partisans. But quite literary the only thing i'v found about her is that Jyn remembered seeing her die and that she have Maia's gloves. Thats it. so her charactare is going to be a mess explaining, yay...


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter i graze over suicidal thoughts, so if that's a trigger, please be warned.

Two years she had been gone. She had no idea how many new camps that had come and gone during that time, but this one looked just as another. There was warmth here that the alliance lacked, here nothing was too much, of course much was forbidden, but not unforgivable.

It became crystal clear to Jyn that where she had found Saw before had been nothing more than a hiding place, a stop on their journey. No one is welcomed in those, but her, here she might actually belong once again.

There were a lot of new faces, all already scared and marked with defeat. But there were the familiar faces as well. Jyn tried to hold her head high, tried to still be angry with all those who had left her behind. She couldn’t _,_ there was only one person she despised; Saw Gerrera, and she was being lead straight to him.

The base was located by a waterfall, making the tunnels underground damp and cold. Maia was leading her further down, making Jyn wishing that they’d stayed up there. She hadn’t missed Saw’s unexplained love for dark tunnels and caves, Jyn like to be able to see the sunlight, how it warmed even when the rest of the world was a cold and unforgiving place.

Maia stopped and turned to Jyn with a stern face.

“Be kind, he has lost a lot.” Jyn arched an eyebrow in scepticism. _Didn’t Maia know that she had meet Saw just a few weeks ago?_

“Yeah well, haven’t we all?” She said, pushing past her old friend and entered the room.

He stood faced away from her, reading some report.  She put her hands behind her back, gripping the knife he had given her tightly. Saw’s rebels had missed it and she found it appropriate that they would, since Saw always had been so strict with Jyn with searching for hidden weapons.

She cleared her throat, watching as her turned towards her. Jyn flinched at the unexpected stab of pain in her heart; she didn’t want to feel relieved that he was alive. She had felt the same relief just a week ago and it had made her just as mad then. Angrily she whipped away the tears that had betrayed her and formed in her eyes.

“Jyn.” His eyes found hers and Jyn wanted to gaps for air. He stepped closer, reaching out for her, breaking the spell that had bewitched Jyn. She gave him a glare that Draven would have been proud of.

“Don’t you dare.” She got out through gritted teeth. She jerked back as her tried to pull her towards him, tears now spilling over.

This man had been as a father to her, he had been there for her every day and every time. Until he hadn’t, until he had left her.

“Why are you here?” He stood back, letting the question speak for itself.

“Your men brought me here.” Her voice was sharp and cold, unforgiving. Jyn recognized what you would call a smile on Saw’s face.

“You followed them child.” Jyn’s eyes narrowed.

“Don’t call me that.” When Saw remained quiet she continued. She hadn’t had the chance last time to confront him, and it would seem like Saw had no plan on interrupting her.

“You don’t have that right.” She saw concern and confusion spread across his face.

“Not after leaving me behind like that.” Disbelief found its way to Saw Gerrera.

“I protected you!” He let out, taking another step closer. Jyn’s eyes flashed in anger before she lashed out.

“You dumped me!” As she urged forward she stabbed the knife towards his neck, letting out a cry of anger as he gripped her wrist and twisted it in a painful angle. She fell to her knees, her wrist still in Saw’s grip, forcing her to drop the knife. It scrambled against the stone floor, the sound echoing throughout the cave.

Saw flicked her wrist, forcing her into an even more painful position. Jyn cried out in anger and pain, the tears dripping from her face burning.  She wanted to fight back, to show him that she was still the better fighter but knew better. If she would put up a fight it would only take longer.

With fury in her eyes, she lowered her head, like an animal, she showed that she gave in, that he had won. Apparently the training with the rebellion had done little to improve her skills, seeing as she had been defeated by the same man that raised her.

Second past into minutes and then he released her. Jyn could feel the anger and annoyance in the simple act. She had disappointed him.

“I asked you why you are here Jyn.” His voice had become even more raspy since they last parted she realized. That combined with the look in her eyes told her that these two short years had taken its toll on the man.

She stood up and brushed of the dirt from her clothes, before she met his gaze, where she now not only saw anger and paranoia but sorrow as well.

“Have you come to kill me?” The question made Jyn’s lips quirked up in a smile but it faded before she opened her mouth.

“Contradictory to what you might think, no I have not.” She said falling into an old pattern, falling back into the Jyn who would follow Saw’s every command.  Saw looked down to the knife and then back to her arching an eyebrow. She gave him a sarcastic smirk. Waiting for the rest of the answer Saw remained silent, only his respiratory making a sound. Jyn sighed.

“I didn’t know where else to go.” Her voice was steady, but her hands were trembling with emotions, giving her away.  He smiled and nodded to the tunnel and began to walk. She followed. His ragged breath and metal legs echoed throughout the tunnel, giving her an excuse to stay silent.  They walked for a while like that, and Jyn couldn’t help but to think back on all the times it had been like this before. When she had done something good or more likely, something bad and received a scolding for it. Saw had never sugar-coated things, never put her on a pedestal; she had been one of them.

“There will always be a place here for you here.” She flared her nose.

“Except like that time you decided to leave me behind.” She said, her voice low and accusing, making it clear that she hadn’t forgiven him.

“You were the daughter of an imperial science officer. People were starting to figure that out.” She huffed, knowing that there was truth to his words, even if it stung. She looked him in the eyes, fisting her hand to make it stop trembling.

“But I was also your daughter.” She said, clenching her jaw for that as well was the truth. He shook his head, his face revealing nothing. Just as it always was when he was talking about _the greater good._

Their footsteps echoed on and once again Jyn pressed back a sob. _Damn hormones._

As they arrived in larger, more open cave he stopped and turned to her.

“A rebellion isn’t a place to raise a child.” Her eyes flickered, unsure if he was referring to her or the unborn creature that grew inside of her. She meet his eyes, of course he knew. Her lips twitched.

“And yet you raised me here.” Saw’s eyes only spoke of sorrow now.

“And would you raise your child like that?” The question stung, of course she didn’t want that for _her child._ Just the very thought of a child scared her more than anything before had done. But the thought of raising a child during this war spread a new kind of fear through her body, a fear that plunged all the way into her marrow. 

“No.”

 

-

 

That night Jyn woke up screaming and alone. Her hair was plastered against her forehead and her clothes clung to her body due to the sweat. The dream had felt so real.  His words had stung as harsh as the first time he had said them. Only this time the memory had ended with her borrowing her knife in his chest, his blood on her hands. She had stood at his side as he drew a last ragged breath and then finally how the light left Cassian’s eyes.

She stood up and walked over to the sink. Saw had lent her his bunk, as he used to do when she was a child. Now it was she who had to grow up. _Become the parent I never had._

In a try to rid herself from the dream she splashed water on her face. When Jyn looked into the mirror she saw the face of a coward; the face of a woman who lacked all sense of moral. In truth, she and Cassian did fit well together.

Knowing that there was no possibility of sleeping again she decided to use the freshener. Afterwards she got dresses and left the place that had been lent to her. Soon she found herself outside, surrounded by trees and flooding water. She looked up to the side and saw the waterfall cascading down the sharp and edgy mountain. Without thinking twice, she began to climb.

It was rather relaxing, the climb. A couple of times she lost her footing, inches from falling. The adrenaline pumping through her veins made her forget the reason she was awake; the reason she couldn’t even think his name.

When she got to the edge her arms were screaming from exhaustion and her fingers bleeding. She heaved herself up and remained lying on her back. Her breath came out uneven and ragged. She took a deep breath and looked up at the starry night. Space seemed so small from the ground. The stars and planets all blend together on small dots. There was no empire or alliance, there were only endless opportunities. She placed a hand on her stomach, the simple act causing her to flinch.

She had been an idiot really, not understanding what was happening to her. Only last week had she understood and a week isn’t nearly enough time to grasp that news. In all honestly Jyn thought she with all the time in the world would fully grasp it.

_Pregnant._

She closed her eyes, letting out a shaky breath, the tears now spilling over. She knew she couldn’t stay here with Saw, not only to say that he probably wouldn’t let her stay here any longer than a few months’ top.  The easy way out would be to just get rid of it, be over and done with it. That had been her plan when she first found out.  But then she had run into a small girl, no older than five and her heart had broken.

The thought of her and Cassian’s child, jumping and laughing like that had erased any thought of ever get rid of it. In that moment, she had caught herself whishing she could have that life, a family. To live somewhere where no one would ever find them, to spend her days with him and their child. But she knew it to be an impossibility. He would never choose her, even if she asked. He might have loved her but he didn’t even care enough for her to give her an honest explanation. She opened her eyes and sat up, sweeping across the lushfull forest beneath her. The colour brought her back to Lam’uh. A place where she had been happy and terrible heartbroken; place where she had lived with her family in peace.

 _Why not go there?_ The voice within her said, and really, why shouldn’t she listen? It lay in the outer rim; no one would bother to look there again. She could pick up the farming her parents had done and Saw would know where she would be. When she thought about it that was both a pro and a con. She shook her head and stood up, she had decided.

As she walked towards the edge of the cliff a dangerous thought entered her mind. _What if you were to just leap of the cliff? That would save you and everyone else so much trouble._ She swallowed and walked closer, peaking down. The fall would with certainty kill her, but looking down, Jyn knew that that wasn’t what she wanted.

She wanted to live.

 

_

 

As she made her way into the cave again the sun behind her bad begun to rise, filling the air with golden light. Faces of long lost friends and partners flashed past her as she sped up her walk. She dared not talk to them, in fear of losing it complete.

“Saw.” She said, making several head pop up to see who it was that spoke. Only one bore a   friendly mask. He knew what she wanted to ask, being able to read her that well. He nodded towards one of the many tunnels that opened here and she followed.

“What have you decided my child?” He asked in a low voice filled with what Jyn recognized as his way of caring.

“I want to leave.” He nodded, understanding that there was more to this plan than this.

“I want to go to Lam’hu.” She said and her voice left no room for debate. She saw a glimmer in his eyes.

“I can arrange for a transport in a few days.” He said, nodding in approval.  Jyn narrowed her eyes, _a few days?_ Saw could defiantly mange to find a way there before the end of the day. She saw that he would continue and remained silence.

“But I need you to help me first.”  He looked directly into her eyes and she resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

 

_Of course._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is a surprisingly absence form Cassians perspective in this chapter and I'm not sure how i feel about that. I just have to make up for in the future. Also, i remember when i thought this was going to be a 20k fic. Hmm...


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have something I have to say. Im beyond grateful for all of you who have stayed with me for this story, for all of those who reading silence and for those of you who make your voice heard. Every single one of you matter so much to me, you have no idea. 
> 
> I've gone though the comments ive gotten on this piece and it tears me up. That you guys have taken time out of your lives to read what ive written, and liked it(???). It baffles me, takes my breath away.  
> For I’m no one, a 19 years old girl from Sweden. And if you think, that a comment, or a kudo don’t matter, please let me tell you. It does. I live on those. I’m sure I’m not alone when I say writing can be and is a challenge. We all doubt ourselves. And in combination with the hellish spring ive had, you guys have made it easier, and despite this not being the most popular of stories, I must thank you for it, from the bottom of my heart. 
> 
> Really, thank you.
> 
> On another note, remember the blue-eyed beauty in the celebration reel? That’s how I’m picturing Maia. If its wrong, yeah, my bad.

As Jyn prepared the last things before take-off, she saw in the corner of her eyes that Maia approached her.

“So you are going with us I heard.” Jyn swung her backpack on and turned to her former partner with a smile.  
“You have a problem with that?” She asked, pulling her old friend into a hug, which was returned with such warmth it almost made the pain in Jyn’s chest disappear.

“I’d have a problem if you didn’t come.” Maia muttered into Jyn’s neck. “I’m glad your back.” They boarded and sat down, mirroring each other’s movements, just like the used to do. Once the ship was up in the air and they’d entered hyperspace Jyn began to talk.

“I’m not staying though.” Blue eyes found hers and Jyn thought she for a second saw something that resemblance pain.

“Why? Do you have someplace you have to be?” Jyn shook her head and looked out in the ship.

“No, I just know where I don’t want to be.” Silence filed the humming ship, as the rest of the Partisans where quiet, probably listening to their conversation.

“Is it because of the child?” Jyn turned back to Maia with an raised eyebrow as to asked how she knew about that.

“Oh come on, of course I know. You honestly think it would stay quiet that we captured a knocked up _Jyn Erso_?” Letting out a dry laughter Jyn leaned back against the wall with a smile on her lips.

“Of course not.” Maia bumped her shoulder.

“Hey.” Jyn looked at her. “You know we would protect you right?”  Jyn bumped back against her friend’s shoulder.

“Of course.”

 

_At least until you would deem it unfit, until there is something else that compromises me._

 

-

 

It was strange how little two years had done to the Partisans. It was all the same, their methods, their weapons, even some of the crew. It was like she never had left. Well, part from the pain in her chest that constantly reminded her of why she was doing this.

The mission Saw had asked her to help with sounded like nothing really, at least not in saw’s standards. They were in an imperial city, _what else_ ¸ and they were going to blow some building up and take out some high-powered men. Nothing too difficult.

But in the two year she had been gone, Jyn had forgotten the adrenaline rush that came with it, how it felt like you could take on the entire world after a successful mission. In this moment, Jyn didn’t feel like the pregnant mess of a rebel she was. Right now, she was just a girl, fighting for what she believed in, not just following an order.

 

The first three bombs went off without a hitch, and the fourth was only partly delayed. But it was then it all went wrong, it was then it all hit her.

 

As she saw people running away from the destruction, from the damage _they_ had caused, Jyn felt sick to her stomach, and this time it was not because of the growing thing she didn't dare to think of. This time it was for all the innocent lives that where caught in the middle, all those who deserved better. She had to get away from this, and she took stability from the nearest wall.

It had been only two years, but in those two years Jyn had learned a lot. She had learned that not every life was disposable and that some were truly worth saving.

She stumbled though the mess, panicked people running around her, screaming. This was the side she had never looked at, the side she always had ignored, for _it was for the better good._

“Screw that.” She bit out, and ran with the stream.

 

  _Saw could find others to do his dirty work_.

 

Jyn knew that people that panicked made stupid and irrational decisions, so that’s why it didn’t come as a surprise when the mass moved in the wrong direction. She managed to get out, into a small alley and continued to run towards the ship. If she was lucky she would be able to get there before anyone else and get her thing and then move. It was stupid, she knew, but she didn’t want to leave without it. She had the pieces of her life in that backpack, and she would be damned if she would lose it.

As she stepped on board the ship, she knew someone else was there, the ramp had been closed in a hurry and lights flashed to alert that, but Jyn ignored it and moved to grab her things. As she bent down to pick up her things, she felt the barrel of a blaster being pressed to the back of her head.  Jyn closed her eyes and drew a deep breath.

If this was how she would go down, she would not plead.

“So you thought that you could leave without telling me?” The blaster was pulled away and Jyn turned to find Maia there. _Of course._

“I’m done Maia, I don’t want this life anymore.” The blaster was still aimed at Jyn and she saw that Maia’s finger was on the trigger. She knew that Maia wasn’t above killing those who she deemed traitors, and right now, Jyn fitted that description. All it would take was a flicker, the lightest of pressure and the blaster would go of, emending a nasty hole in her chest.

“If you are going to kill me, kill me.” Jyn said, playing out with her arms. Maia let the blaster fall and crossed the short distance between them and pulled Jyn into a hug. _When had Maia ever been this sentimental?_

“Silly Jyn, of course I wouldn’t kill you, I want to go with you.” Jyn pulled away with her mouth open in surprise. Maia was just as dedicated to the cause as Cassian, if not more so. If you would have asked Jyn, hell would have to freeze over before Maia would want to leave the Partisans.

“What?” Jyn got out in a whisper, her voice failing her. Maia’s blue eyes found hers.

“I’m tired too Jyn, of this life and theses stupid raids. I just want some peace and quiet.” Jyn couldn’t help herself and laugh.

“Peace and quiet doesn’t exactly sound like the Maia I know.” Jyn said but regretted the words as soon as she said them, for the look on Maia told her all she needed.

“Well you have been gone a while Jynnie, and that Maia no longer exists.” Jyn nodded and took another deep breath. They didn’t have time to think this over, the others would be back any minute now.

“Okay then, lets move.” She said and pulled her friend with her, out into the busy streets to find another way to the life Jyn so desperately wanted.

 

 

-Another two months later, Yavin IV-

 

“Andor, I need you to sign these reports.” Cassian didn’t even look up to see who it was that said it, only accepted the papers, signed them and handed them back. He was better now, Kay had put down his foot, so had Draven, and Cassian felt more like his old self. Sill in pain, but he figured that the pain would be with him for a while so he just ignored it.

“According to my calculations, the risk of you signing the wrong paper is rising with 13% for every failed mission and that proceeds to make the risk of unfortunate consequences even higher. I’m almost positive that..” Cassian held up a hand to stop his friend, as he couldn’t stand to hear another word of his calculations.

“Not now Kay.”

“I understand.”

Cassian just wanted to eat his dinner in peace, but apparently that was too much to ask for. Kes Dameron sat down beside him, and Cassian bit back a groan. Sarah and Kes where the two people he avoided the most in the base, for the only thing they did, was asking if he was okay. And in all honesty, he was getting so sick of it. He knew he didn’t look anywhere near okay, so why did they bother?

“When are you leaving again?”

“0300.” Cassian answered, not looking up. He felt Kes sigh beside him.

“And do you know where you are going ?”  Cassian rolled his eyes.

“Are you keeping track on me Dameron?” When Cassian didn’t get an answer he looked up, only to find Kes staring at him.

“What do you think? We are worried about you Cassian.” And there it was. Cassian couldn’t handle it so he stood up.

“I’m not doing this again Kes, next time, don’t bother.” He said before he left the table. He knew that he should accept his friends help, but he couldn’t, not when every second he spent with them reminded him of her, how they had spent their time before it all had come crashing down.

 

_

 

Cassian found himself at his ship, preparing for the next mission. As usual, nothing special. It didn’t matter really what it was, track down some double spy, gather information, assassinate; it was all the same. He went to the spare bunk and laid down. Just for a couple of hours, Cassian Andor relaxed and fell into a sleep where his dream took place in a memory form just a few days ago.

 

_“If we could go anywhere, where would you want to go?” Cassian asked, pulling her closer to his side. Jyn gave a content sigh and her fingers began to trial over his chest._

_“That’s some dangerous thinking captain.” She said and he couldn’t help but snort. He grabbed her fingers and kissed them._

_“Dangerous, yes, but I thought that Jyn Erso didn’t back down form a challenge” That earned him a pinch in the side._

_“Fine you crock. I think I would want to start fresh.” Cassian looked down and meet her green eyes, they were sparkling._

_“And where is that?” He asked, watching how the wheals inside her mind turned._

_“Somewhere where neither of us have been, where we don’t have a history to cloud it.”_

_“So not Lam’uh then?” Cassian asked and saw how Jyn wrinkled her nose._

_“Lam’uh have too much history, too much pain.” They both lay silent, Cassian gave her the space she needed, knowing that she would open up if she wanted to._

_“My mother died there.” Her voice was but a whisper now and Cassian felt her body tense up, probably at the memory. He pulled away from Jyn, and leaned on his arm so that he could see her properly. She looked away, lost in the memory of so many years ago. “I saw it happen.”  He pushed away a few lose strands of hair from her face, drawing her attention back to the presence._

_“I’m sorry Jyn.” She shook her head and pressed herself up to place a soft kiss on his jaw._

_“You had nothing to do with it.” Cassian bit back the laughter and kissed her._

_“Doesn’t mean I can’t feel sorry for you.” The smile she gave him did not reach her eyes, and he didn’t expect it to. She began to play with the hair at the nape of his neck, her eyes falling from his._

_“The next time I was there ended better though.”  Cassian knew how that story ended, and as much as he agreed with that the outcome was better, he knew it was even more painful for Jyn._

_“It was the same hatch; did I ever tell you that?” She asked and he shook his head, unsure of what she was referring to._

_“It was the same hatch where I waited for Saw after they had taken my father away, he left me in.” He could see that Jyn was on the edge of breaking, which meant she would pull away in the matter of seconds. He had seen her break once, and that was when they had found her father’s name in the imperial message. Right on time Jyn sat up and reached down to the floor to pick up his shirt. She pulled it on, and as usually, it was too big on her, leaving much of her skin on the neck exposed.  He sat up beside her, pulling her closer to him, wanting to show that it is okay. That he understood.  When she rested her head on his shoulder and tears slowly began to fall on him he pulled her into his lap, his arms shielding her from what he could. The only problem was that the pain she felt, he could do nothing about. Her tears where followed by sobs that rocked her body and she turned her face against his chest. He stroked her head and back, kissing the top of her head._

_“I’m sorry Jyn.” And she shook her head at that and pulled away just enough for her eyes to meet his. He wiped away the tears, only for new ones to take their place._

_It was in moments like this, Cassian remembered how young she as, that they both were. That what they had gone though was far too much for any one in their age, and yet it was expected off them._

_“I didn’t want to come on that mission, the sole reason I just didn’t want to visit Lam’uh again.” She whispered and her head fell back to his chest._

_“When we arrived at the bunker, I thought it was a sick joke, but he told me to wait. And I did.”  Cassian pressed a kiss to her shoulder, murmuring inaudible words into her skin._

_“I should have known, I saw it in his eyes, but how could I believe that the one person that was closest to me would betray me?”  Her breathing had evened out, and there were only a few single tears left. His arms spread around her small frame, pressing her as humanly close as possible._

_“I will never leave you mi amor.”_

Cassian opened his eyes and swallowed. How oblivious they had been. How in even that moment when pain from the past had haunted them, they had been in a good place, there had been light in their lives. Right now, all Cassian could see was a black consuming darkness, and it didn’t look like it was going to be any brighter anytime soon.

 

* * *

 

 

“Oaky, so I’ll be gone for no more than three days, you got that?” Jyn fought the urge to roll her eyes at her friend, who apparently thought it to be impossible for Jyn to be alone for more than that amount of time.  
“I just think you are overreacting. I feel fine, I can go with you.” Maia gave her a stern look.

“I’m not going to listen to the pregnant woman that passed out this morning, so whatever you just said was probably some lame excuse and I didn’t hear it.  I’m sorry” Jyn narrowed her eyes and stood up to help with the last packing.

“Har har har. Very funny Maia.” She said as she pinched her friend in the side and smirked when that earned her a yelp and then a death glare.

“You’re lucky you’re pregnant, or else you would be paying for that. You know how ticklish I am.” Jyn snickered.

“Oh I know, but seriously though, are you going to be this protective the whole time?” To that Jyn only got an raised eyebrow as an answer. “I’m four months along Maia, I can still do stuff, and right now we are kind of in the need for money.”  
“Yes, and that’s why _I’m_ going on this, not you.” Jyn glared at her, trying her best at convincing the stubborn woman in front of her.

“Fine, when you are feeling better…” Maia held up a hand to stop Jyn’s protests. “When you no longer faint, you can come. But not right now, and defiantly not if you’re going to put yourself in danger.”  Instead of arguing, Jyn nodded, knowing it would be the fastest way tout of this. She also knew that Maia had a point. Even though Jyn didn’t feel any dizzy or sick right now, she couldn’t deny that until today, she had been feeling like crap every day. It was ironic, she had read about women that experienced difficult pregnancy, but most symptoms they said would pass quickly and if they didn’t there where medications for it. Only that with her luck, no such thing. Okay, she shouldn’t be picky, four months in wasn’t exactly the time to say that she had experienced a whole pregnancy, but it was long enough for her to already be tired of it. She had moments when she reconsidered it again, that she couldn’t raise a child in this environment. That it was wrong and most of all, that _she_ couldn’t do it. It was in those moments Maia would warm blue milk and they’d sit outside wrapped in too many blankets and gaze out over the green and black fields of Lam’uh, and then it would be alright again, at least it almost would.

 

Jyn shifted her focus back to Maia, whom seemed to notice that she had drifted of.

“Oaky, I’ll buy that.” And with those words, Jyn was pulled into a hug, a much-needed hug.

“Just bring me back some wired ass kriff food and I’ll forgive you for benching me this time.” She whispered in her friend’s ear and pulled away with a smile on her lips.

 

“Of course.”

 

-

 

After Maia had left, Jyn found herself outside again. The small house they had come over wasn’t exactly ideal, but it made due. The weather on Lam’mu was probably to most, not that attractive. Not much sun, mostly rain and clouds. But to Jyn, this felt like home. Or at least it felt like a memory of a home, and right now Jyn didn’t have the luxury of being picky. She had told Cassian that she didn’t want to go back to Lam’hu, and for a part of her, that was true. She feared its ground, feared the memories it held. But the part of her that so desperately tried to reclaim a home, was stronger and won. When she had made the decision, it had been on impulse, ignoring all that had come before. It hadn’t been until they had landed on the black soil it had hit her. She had almost turned back there and then, but Maia had stopped her. _Of course Maia had stopped her._

 

There was also a part of her that whispered that if, however unlikely, Cassian would go looking for her, he wouldn’t look there.

 

As usually she had wrapped loads of blankets around herself, her arms wrapped tightly around her own body. Her own body that felt like a stranger to her. There was a living thing growing inside of her. She was going to be a _mother_ and it scared the crap out of her. When she had begun to show, it had all dawned on her. She was living on borrowed time right now. Her days before this child would be here was numbered. It all had felt so real, and the pain in her chest had been too much. She told herself that it was the hormones that where toying with her, but Jyn knew that shoe would have reacted like this even if she weren’t pregnant. The pregnancy just gave her the opportunity to grief.

 

* * *

 

 

U-wings weren’t Cassian’s favorite, but they were hell lot better than other options. He had thought little to where they were headed, and it wasn’t until he saw on the monitors that they were passing Lam’hu he reacted. He shouldn’t, he was a trained spy, but Cassian had done much lately he shouldn’t.

Jyn had told him about it, how she remembered it, that she had been happy there. Then later how irony had played with her and Saw had left her in that same blasted bunker. The rest of her story he knew, well up until a few months ago. Now he didn’t know anything. She could be dead for all he knew. Cassian shook his head and turned his focus back to the controls, less than a few minutes left.

“Ready yourself, we come in in five.” He called down to his crew that all were young cadets, he didn’t even now half of their names. If he was being honest, Cassian didn’t think they’d last long enough to bother with first name’s.

“There is a 63% chance that this mission will end in failure.” Cassian didn’t dignify that comment with an answer, but just stood up to make sure he had everything so that they could just get this over as soon as they landed.

This mission, an imperial officer had gone rogue and wanted to sell information. It usually meant a trap, but offers like these were rare and the needed what information they could get.

They came out of hyperspace and the moon appeared on their left. It’s was another city, filled with so much life and criminality Cassian rolled his eyes. Kay hadn’t been wrong when he had said they had the odds against them. There was no way to have this meeting under control in a place like this

They landed and Cassian left the ship with two of the cadets. Meeper and Tonc he recalled. The moon was just like any other that was a city based one. They moved though the mass and Cassian kept a weathering eye on their surroundings. This place was filled with stormtroopers and if the officer turned on them, they would have little chance to escape.

They found the building and entered. When they arrived at the floor they had been asked to meet on Cassian knew something was wrong. The door to the room was kicked open, and he could see lights flicker form inside. He pulled out his blaster and saw the other two do the same.

“Go and check the exits.” He ordered them, and watched them disappeared along the corridor. Cassian counted to three before he entered the room.

 

Everywhere there was destruction and demolished furniture. It looked as if there had been a fight that hadn’t ended so good for one of them. There was a pool of blood on the floor and it left a trail to what he assumed was the bedroom. With his finger on the trigger he moved closer. He kicked the door open, and was meet by the sight of a bloody officer on the bed with a woman holding something to his chest. The second she had registered Cassian’s presence, she as well lifted her blaster. Neither of them moved.

“Who are you?” she asked, and Cassian shook his head.

“None of your business.” She narrowed her eyes and Cassian was struck with how crystal blues they were. He walked over to the side of the bed she didn’t sit on, so that he could get a closer look at the man.

“He is mine.” The woman bit out, and Cassian snorted, his blaster still steadily aimed at her.

“You have a nice way of treating your friends.” He said, eyeing the wound that looked like a knife had done in the man’s shoulder.

“I meant, the information he carries is mine. When he wakes up.” Cassian wasn’t surprised, if this man really had decided to defect from the empire, it was only logical he would have reached out to more than just the alliance. Cassian gave the woman a look before he reached down to look what the man had in his pockets. Nothing. Of course, she had already cleaned him.

“You’ve already taken the information.” He said and she flashed him a smile.

“It’s encrypted.” Cassian nodded, and saw what he assumed was the encrypted file in her pocket. For a second all was still, then they both flung into action. She made her way to the door, but Cassian was faster, and pinned her to the wall, his grip around her wrist forcing her to drop her blaster. But that only gave him a temporary victory. Before Cassian realized what was happening, her lips came crashing down on his. It took him a second to realize it was a diversion, but she made good use of that one second, for she proceeded to kick his tibia, and damn that woman. She had to be wearing steal enforced shoes, for the blow made Cassian loos his grip on her.  He saw how she picked out her blaster and aimed it towards him, but once again he moved faster. Before she had a good grip on it, he ripped it out of her hands and as she was prepared to jump again, he got another grip around her arm, and this time he spun her around and pressed the arm up against her back, pressing until she gave out a cry in anger. Cassian reached down and grabbed the file from her.

“Who are you? He asked and when she remained silent he pressed her arm harder, feeling her body tense in pain.

“Kestrel Dawn.” She bit out and Cassian couldn’t help but to flinch. That was Jyn’s old alias, which meant that either this woman was working with Saw, or had found Jyn. Either way he knew he should bring her in.

He spun her around and got up his knife and pressed it against her neck, only hard enough for it to draw blood.

 “Now tell me why you wanted this man.” Cassian shook his head with a practised smile.

“There is no way I’m doing that.” Cassian studied the woman closer, her clothes where to clean, too fixed for her to be a solider on the run, and there was nothing that spoke of the empire with her either. 

“I’m taking this data.” The woman raised an eyebrow and Cassian saw her fingers ball up into a fist. _Ready to fight._

“I don’t think so.” Cassian huffed, his knife pressed harder against her skin, and he felt her back down.

“I need that data.” She said, and there was something about how she said it that made Cassian believe that she didn’t work for Saw. Saw didn’t need things, he took it. That meant that if an independent worker had found out about this information, surely more had, and that didn’t bode well at all. To prove his point, an explosion, went off. The chock wave knocked them both of their feet and Cassian eyes were ringing.

 

_Kriffing hell._

 

He saw the woman get up and how she began to make a run for it. A bit numbed from the wave, Cassian stood up and followed, but she had gotten a head start. When he got out in the corridor she saw her running left and he was about to follow, but saw Tonc and Meeper, they were wounded. After a split second, he decided he would let the woman run, he had the file.

 

_What was another criminal in a world filled with darkens?_

 

Meeper was hurt. Not just hurt, dying. Cassian tried to swallow, the lump in his throat unwilling to go away. Meepers face was burned, and from the sound of it, his lungs where punctured.

“There was an explosion…” Tonc got out, his face as white as a sheet. Cassian nodded and took his blaster. Before Tonc realised what Cassian was going to do, he had pulled the trigger. There was no way Meeper would have made it to the ship. He pulled off the alliance mark from the jacket.

“Lets go.” Cassian said, giving the fallen solder one last look as he grabbed the chocked Tonc.

 

They made it to the ship and then back to base. It wasn’t until after he was done with briefing he realised the woman had taken his blaster.  

 

* * *

 

 

Jyn knew something was wrong. Maia wasn’t late, not by any means, but the message she had gotten was too short, and most of all spoke of failure. Maia didn’t fail. Maia was a bloody genius and would die before she would fail a mission.

 

So that was the reason Jyn was pacing around inside. Outside a storm was raging, and that would probably delay Maia’s arrival another day. She would not be able to land tonight. In an attempt to distract herself, Jyn walked to the kitchen to grab something to eat. She had never been a good cook, but now she didn’t care. She didn’t know if it was the hormones or the stress, but everything in the cabinet looked delicious. She sat down with a plate of an awful combination and dug in. But the food did only last that long and then Jyn found herself alone again, and very restless. She wanted to do things again, just something. This whole, stay inside and take care of herself wasn’t exactly Jyn’s dream scenario. She hadn’t rested since she was eight years old and her mother had been alive. But as the hours ticked by, Jyn knew she needed to sleep.

 And that night, she did, and she dreamed of a child with hair black as coal and brown eyes you drowned in. She dreamed of the light laughter her daughter would give when her father would hoist her up in the air. It wasn’t until she woke up in the middle of the night Jyn realized she had been crying.

 

-

 

Jun jolted awake by the sound of a door slamming shut.

“JYN! I’m home.”  She sat up, and regretted it immediately, for a wave of nausea rolled over her. She scrambled out of bed and headed for the sink, heaving out what was left in her stomach. She heard Maia come in to the kitchen snickering.

“Haven’t I said no puking in the kitchen sink?” Jyn put down the glass of water and muttered _kriff of._ She turned to her friend and took a step back.

“What happened to you?  Maia shrugged and walked to the cabinet, putting in more food than they needed.

“Some blasted bomb went off.” Jyn hurried to her friend to inspect the injures. Maia’s face was a bit bruised but it was not much more than than.

“Probably one of Saws Partisans, felt like his style.” Jyns eyes fell to Maia’s neck.

“I didn’t know that bombs left knife marks.” Jyn said and gave Maia a look. She watched her friend pore herself a glass of blue milk and let herself be dragged to their couch.

“There might have been some alliance rebels there as well.” Jyn’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

“The alliance was there?” Maia took a sip of the milk and nodded. “Some asshole that thought he was so much better that us. I understand why you left those guys Jyn.” Jyn swallowed, unsure what to say.

“He took the files as well.” Jyn let out a groan but Maia slapped her shoulder for it.

“No no Jyn, we do not let defeat rule our lives.” Jyn glared at her friend.

“Can’t I groan at least at the defeat.” Maia smiled.

“I don’t think we can count it as an exact defeat, since the files where encrypted and I seriously doubt that the alliance will be able to crack that so…” Jyn nodded. Files encrypted like that, by the empire, they were almost impossible to solve without the right key.

“But I did manage to snatch the man’s blaster.” Jyn looked up.

“Well I thought, one can never have too many, and you’ve worked with the alliances blasters for a while so why not?”

Jyn shook her head as Maia left the couch. _Why not indeed?_ Only Maia would think of something like that when she was running for her life. She came back and threw something in Jyn’s direction. She caught it, but the second she realized who’s it was she dropped it on the floor as if it had burned her. Staring out in the air, her mind was racing. It had been Cassain Maia had fought with.

 

 

“Wait wait wait.” Maia said and held up her hands to slow down Jyns explanation. “You mean to tell me that the man I stole that blaster form, is the very same man that knocked you up and left you?” Jyn clenched her jaw. That was one way of putting it, a rather ungraceful way of putting it.

“I left him.” Maia rolled her eyes. “Yeah yeah, after he broken your heart and all that.” She slumped down beside Jyn again. They both let out a deep sigh at the same time.

“What are the chances?” Maia muttered and Jyn nodded in agreement. She was sure Kay would have some statics to share if he was here.

“Now I’m mad I didn’t get in a better punch, that man deserves it.” Jyn snorted, and stood up.

“Hey hey, where are you going? I though we we’re having quality time trashing your ex?” Jyn rolled her eyes.

“I’m going to the bathroom Maia, in case you forgot, I have a small human begin g pressing on my bladder.” Jyn said. Once she was alone, she stared into the mirror, the yellow light flickering slightly. The tears began to drip, out of nowhere. It wasn’t long before she slummed down against the wall, her sobs tearing though her body. She wanted to yell, to scream at the world. All it ever had caused her was pain, and right now all she wanted was a moment of peace. For her heart to have a possibility to heal, but she knew it to be too late.

Every day the thing inside of her grew bigger, more into the child she dreams of.

Every day passing is a day closer until she has to raise Cassian’s child on her own.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are always appreciated;)
> 
> also side note, english is not my first language
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr under either thesarcasticnazgul or sarcasticjynerso (noticing a theme? what i have no idea what you are talking about)


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